ME TIME IN CAPE TOWN@PRICELESS:-)

 Moment of impact

Bounded by the chains that holds me dear, I see that I am my worst enemy, continuously building the wall of China around myself while on the other hand expecting to be understood when I am the master of weiredness and all things different , I blossom in misery, disappointment, thinking the worst of people who might have good intentions, fragrance myself in darkness as the light seems too good to be true, I guess repetition has a way of playing around with the brain, the me I once knew is somehow caught in between social conformity imposed by folks who are not even relevant in my life yet my subconscious allows them to be hence their opinions seem to take effect. Weired one was blunt enough to tell me that maybe am defensive because I judge myself before anybody can even think of judging me , fact of the matter is who wouldn’t ?? after the wild fires I had to walk through all these years, what he failed to understand is that you don’t just get through things and be all better within a minute, wounds still remain, through the smiles , the laughter, the changes ,the money, mixing with friends….the root of the wound is still fragile, when that has healed the self judgement , defence walls will come down on their own without being forced.

The moment of impact never gives warning signs, it just happens and trust me when it does you will not look at yourself or your life the same, everything takes on a different dimension, in lack of a better term most folks call it growing up , I prefer to call it sinking into the kind of person god has planned for you to be. It took practising yoga to silence the screaming part of me that was just so sick ……, so sick of playing it cool, being thankful for things I find hard to enjoy, holding back my tears when someone said something insensitive without knowing how sensitive I am ,holding myself back from calling the one person I need. Like everything unknown change is unavoidable, constant and unpredictable, it’s the one thing that can flip your mentality upside down and have you dancing with the wolves instead of humans.

Moment of impact when you except that you cannot keep hugging the past so tight that you literally fall blind to seeing what might happen from here on, when you start realising that not all folks will walk away from you and those who do its their loss. When you acknowledge that maybe just maybe apart of you craves being in love , having a sense of belonging and to travel the world and explore different cultures, people and the side of yourself that lets go of control and allows god to do as he sees fit. Moment of impact when a thought of your future scares the crap out of you because it includes all the things that you said you are not going to do nor be yet find yourself drawn to them .When your heart has made its choice and your mind is still in deniel, when you miss someone till you feel sick to your stomach and cannot do anything about it , that’s the moment of impact.  

Its that moment of impact when you silence your voice, think nothing , breathe and feel your own body as you breathe in and out, then say to yourself I got this shit , got it on lock, I love all of me and the woman I am becoming, yes I have lost a lot but I have a lot more to gain and live for, yes it gets lonely without you guys but it will be okay as in gods timing we trust

Merry Xmas to yoll:-)