Something new

 It’s the new year and contrary to popular believe I have no plan for this year, as plans change very quickly ( God taught me that lesson many times and me being hard headed that lesson took a long time to sink in!), seeing that I know better now , trust you me I will do better( but I still have a dinky plan that is open to life’s mishaps ) . Something new I realised late last year was the fact that I love long drives , there’s  so much to take in from nature , the natural architecture of the mountains , the smell of clean fresh air that’s just warming to the skin and finds itself internally as well , the ocean , oh my GOD !!, I fall in love every time  when I  am standing by the ocean , appreciating  nature , feeling the waves air ,gods best creation in my opinion, makes me feel at peace as if I am more connected to the spirit guides somehow .  Something new ,I also realised was that I relate more better to folks who show their motions and share more / are  open about themselves who they are as appose  to  cold folks whom I cannot figure out if they are going south or west , as they can never open up about anything because they either have serious trust issues or just don’t see the value of people in their lives.

They say if you truly want to know a person  go on a road trip with them , and trust you me my road trip to Durban was very interesting , eye opening and also forced me to acknowledge that I really can be a stubborn ass cow sometimes ( it breaks my heart to admit this but  it’s the truth unfortunately ) . Something new  I appreciated was that  Matthew got us to ride bicycles which was something I hadn’t done since I was 12 years old  and I loved every minute of it , as it was like my childlike moment replay, it’s also fair to say that Simon and Sebs had an awesome time  ( priceless to see ) . Its so much fulfilling to share things and moments with friends  as those moments will be the only thing to hold on to when your journeys take different directions .

Something new , forcing myself to look at my faults , my disillusion attachment with perfection and high expectations  which no one can reach, it all sums up to me being a control freak actually ( in short ) , but I have to say this road trip was worth every moment  as I totally loosened up, from Simons crazy jokes and  Sebs easy going attitude , we made a great team  there in Zulu land, even if it was just for a minute . The curry food though is the one thing I will never try again , as eating and drinking water, feeling like my mouth was on fire , not  amaseballs, not pleasant  at all!!, I know Sebs would agree with me on that one .

Something new , I have never met a Zulu man who is kind and welcoming like Vusi was to us , as to be honest not all but most Zulu guys have no respect for women  and when you’re an opinionated woman its even worse , they are deep into their culture ways ( which to me seems like an excuse for them to justify their weired actions, e.g polygamy for one, I don’t get that  but ohh well  that’s a topic for another day)  , back to my point Vusi is a beautiful spirit as he has Ubuntu without trying too hard , which is something I don’t get to experience a lot living in Jo’burg ( well you don’t even get to see nor speak to your neighbours when you live in  Jozi, its crazy how self focused  everybody is ..) , so it was great to experience that first hand, it was warming to my heart and I felt welcomed . 

Something new, being seriously irritated for the first time with someone I always ….always joke and laugh with and  not being  able to escape him nor leave him because guess what we were on a road trip together , so good or bad I had to stick it out and work it out . Most priceless moment though was taking a walk with Matthew by the beach where I also had my  ahaah moment  , that is “you can be anywhere in the world with whomever , but you can never run away from how you really feel.., this shit just won’t go away until you deal with it, ( in my case which is never as its kinda pointless…)” .

Something new , cheers to travelling more , trying new food (not hot ones though ..!), having fun , getting older while still having my swagger on point , having a positive mind set , reading more books  and finishing the ones I started already , doing more yoga, thanking  god daily, being  gugu gaga once in a while with my friends babies/new borns on the way, being patient and more tolerable to the very few close friends I have , lastly dreaming bigger, working hard and smart while enjoying what this new year has in store for  my beautiful spirit J.

Love

B,

Free mind#

They say we sometimes try to feed what is missing inside us by looking for people who will complement us and validate us in areas where we feel insecure and in doing so we sort of fail to realise that most things that start with self,have to be dealt with by ourselves  with deep introspection and acceptance. We live in a society where we are all so busy trying to look important , be acknowledged, be entrepreneurs,  be cool , don’t want to age , want to travel overseas, so that our peers may think we are better  and are making it , want to impose our believes and religion on to others without consideration, more men want to have kids but don’t want to get married,black women are pressurised to look and sound more white than white women themselves ,then you have white women who want to have black women’s bodies , we are in such a chaotic pleasing state that we forget  about checking in with ourselves, our spiritual side and mostly giving love to ourselves . The one thing I have come to appreciate about myself is that I am in a space where I am learning to be more grateful and less critical of self and my life choices.

When someone says “Be grateful” , it sounds like the most simple thing to do , but its not  as its actually easier to be negative and have nothing good to say about anybody , than being grateful and acknowledging the spirit guides presence daily . I had an opportunity to meet two most artistic guys whom are so open minded it literally blew my mind away. Free minded beings , who don’t label folks nor distance themselves because of their weiredness ( ok confession: I reeeeally have a thing for weired guys, it’s a bad habit of mine J) but back to my point , these two free artistic minded men I met at our company conference reminded me of how important  it is to not loose side of you, who you are and what you stand for, take Matthew for example very intelligent ,reserved , nerd looking but very kind and respectful ( I think ) to other cultures  and doesn’t even take himself seriously , just having a conversation with this man  reminded  me of the fire I used to have , but somehow died  along the way because of all the things that have happened in my life. Then you have Daniel a grafity artist who is so talented , sweet , calm yet very smart , talking to him reminded me of how free I used to be with my artistic side , never shy ‘d away from it at Tertiary but embraced being different and was constantly pushing my writing abilities and socialising to the fullest .

What happened to the free minded me? that’s the question I asked myself after parting ways with Matthew and Daniel . The only answer that came to mind was that I lost my inspiration of writing because I was trying so hard to separate myself from thinking about love , nor feeling anything that has to do with love , because in my crazy mind this is how I looked at things , :”if I am honest , open to the idea of love and friendships , then comes attachment  and the  reality with all that  is this: folks still lie , cheat and disappoint, so whats the point “ . What I have come to realised now is that” love lives within me “, it doesn’t matter how hurt in the past I was, or how rejected I felt when I fell in love with someone who only cared about himself and money , or how crushed I was about my little brother’s death  , fact is to love is a choice , to be grateful it’s a choice , to choose to let go its a choice ( it might be hard but its good for the spirit) and to except the bad and embrace the good means you moving forward with hope .

The free mind vs an open heart, everybody has a way in which they deal with whatever challenge life presence but nobody is ever taught how to be happy , how to embrace good change , how to really let go of your guard and trust , how to not be  jealous if another person has achieved more than you and are proud of it , on the other hand one may argue and say I have been taught all of that because I come from a positive environment   and what nots ( again it all depends on your foundation , family and mentality ) . In my case it is a mixture of colours that god keeps repainting and refining ,  so with that I will say that I had to learn not to hold on to pain , learn to be the best me I can be presently , learn to be enough as I am ,learn how to except my guilt and move on from it, learn  how to listen to someone who needs a friend even if it’s a stranger in a taxi, learn how  to trust in my capabilities , learn to respect  God for the huge part he plays in my life and growth as a being , learn to not put limitations onto myself but be able to transition with all this change  , learn to be patient with myself and my weired side I don’t sometimes understand , but mostly  I had to learn  how to love me again ,keeping in touch with my mom & brother in spirit  as that is very important to me and there’s no shame in it.

Sometimes you may think you have nothing but only to find out that you have everything you need and you are exactly where god wants you to be , so my little piece of common sense is gods timing is always perfect ,don’t hold on too tight to the person you love because they still  need room to breathe and find themselves and figure out how to add to your happiness, truly enjoy the good moments because when you’re really sad they will  pop up and you ll find yourself cracking up with laughter just because of those memories .

As my grandfather would say :” expression is the best form of healing , making mistakes and learning  from them “, my version is remixed a bit with my own experience  i.e free your mind and heart and let love flow with all its bliss  and challenges and see what happens…..

 

Love

Switdifferent

 

 

Friendship  Relations

Complexity is the name of the game when it comes to friendship relations, you ‘ll find your patience , your loyalty and tolerance  being tested time and time again, up until you bear your soul open to  reality , shake away the shallowness , expectancy  to truly enjoy the bliss that comes with creating a friendship and maintaining one . We all were raise differently , come from families that vary i.e from money ,values, education,  to being raised by single  parents and yet fight to be appreciated , not to be stigmatised by our back rounds , somehow all those factors come into play when we start building friendships ,be it as young adults or just plain adults . It’s called friendship relations, takes time to make it solid yet can be destroyed within seconds, as bad decisions play a deceiving game with good decisions, selfishness overrides consideration and thoughtfulness, these are friendship relations .

They say blood is thicker than water, at this point in my life I wouldn’t agree with that statement even if someone pointed a gun in my head, as I have been surrounded by beautiful  spirits in my lifetime ,some still with me and some no longer present , but their role will always  influence me positively  as that is how I choose to remember them . These are friendship relations, they bring about our insecurities , progress , change , disappointments all bottled up with a bit of jealousy in it, that sometimes disguises itself and comes out in the words we utter in anger . Loving someone is a risk that you have to take without  fear but believe with trust that what you offer to your friend is enough to make the friendship grow and be strong , with all the challenges that the spirit guides might throw  at you , these are friend ship relations.

It’s the most priceless motion to feel when you find yourself being close to a person that you think about  as soon as you see something  crazy  or going through a life changing experience , that one person who appreciates  your awkwardness ,weirdness  and you even call each other crazy names without anybody taking offence, that one person who is human enough to make mistakes and apologise openly , that one person who will tell you where to get off when you start acting all arrogant and big headed, that one person who will be there and not judge you when you fail instead take you out for a movie just to help you shake off the bad mood, that one person who will love you as you are and embrace you even when they feel a bit jealous , these are friendship relations , they look attractive from a distance but hard to maintain .

I have learned that as much as its important to spend time on your own its good for the soul to have good friends and be around folks who will stop everything  to just be there for you .  These are friendship relations , they are like seasons yet we sometimes prefer them to stay  neutral which is impossible when you are dealing with human motion. New beginnings come  with a lot of change and growth , meaning when the friends you grew up with starting saying “you have changed “ in most cases its them who have changed and cannot handle the progress in your life , these friendship relations are diverse in every way imaginable and to narrow them down will be delusional thinking on  my part .

I cannot erase the memories I have shared with folks I knew as a kid , as a teenager and as an adult , as the love there is too strong to be shattered by any bad feelings  about things  we cannot even change , point is  people grow up , some focus on making money , being selfish and spending life as a spinster, some start families and build their nests so big that it warms their heart with love , some travel and explore other cultures because they feel lost in their country of birth and are constantly yearning for meaning in life  and then you have those that just want to belong . These are friendship relations , they truly are a blessing and a learning path that never ends .

 

Love :Switdifferent J

 

Its another year and this past June 16 , I literally dint want to do anything , just because on the 15th it was Ntsintsi's birthday, my little brother:):: (as i did not feel like being around house DJs and crowds of kids who still care about their appearance and less about themselves and around guys who think  all the chicks give a fuck just because they drive big cars and they are wana be celebrities and what nots), its so weired to think of him and realise that his really gone . The truth is god has a way of suprising one with beautiful  spirits that kinda shift ones focus and way of thinking , which brings me to Mo , a sweet spirit that was free enough to explore Arts and Main with me and just loose ourselves in the art . We watched this knowledgeable documentary about Samora Machel and how he became the man he was known to be ,to his people in Mozambique  and i must say that after watching that documentary i truely appreciated Africa more , its a pity how low we sometimes rank ourselves and abilities and constantly think the Europeans are above everything .

Our forefathers were not afraid though they were living in an era that wanted them to be frightened all the time , they rose above that and pushed through their circumstances and that should be motivation enough to make all these young kids want to be more , make the effort and stop having this dependent mentality.

An all round good experience and i have a good feeling that my journey with my freakish friend Mo is just  the beginning ,which brings me to my sometimes moments , i.e I realised that sometimes plans change , and we have to let folks be, let go of the friends we love with hope that they will one day find their way home , let go of the one person you know is ment for you, let go of the past and blaming other people for your decisions , sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is to just do you , as my thing is if GOD has soooo much faith in me and thinks i am worthy of the best ...why shouldnt i believe that ?? ....

Do you as best as you can and crack someone up once in a while :-), life is really short.

ME TIME IN CAPE TOWN@PRICELESS:-)

 Moment of impact

Bounded by the chains that holds me dear, I see that I am my worst enemy, continuously building the wall of China around myself while on the other hand expecting to be understood when I am the master of weiredness and all things different , I blossom in misery, disappointment, thinking the worst of people who might have good intentions, fragrance myself in darkness as the light seems too good to be true, I guess repetition has a way of playing around with the brain, the me I once knew is somehow caught in between social conformity imposed by folks who are not even relevant in my life yet my subconscious allows them to be hence their opinions seem to take effect. Weired one was blunt enough to tell me that maybe am defensive because I judge myself before anybody can even think of judging me , fact of the matter is who wouldn’t ?? after the wild fires I had to walk through all these years, what he failed to understand is that you don’t just get through things and be all better within a minute, wounds still remain, through the smiles , the laughter, the changes ,the money, mixing with friends….the root of the wound is still fragile, when that has healed the self judgement , defence walls will come down on their own without being forced.

The moment of impact never gives warning signs, it just happens and trust me when it does you will not look at yourself or your life the same, everything takes on a different dimension, in lack of a better term most folks call it growing up , I prefer to call it sinking into the kind of person god has planned for you to be. It took practising yoga to silence the screaming part of me that was just so sick ……, so sick of playing it cool, being thankful for things I find hard to enjoy, holding back my tears when someone said something insensitive without knowing how sensitive I am ,holding myself back from calling the one person I need. Like everything unknown change is unavoidable, constant and unpredictable, it’s the one thing that can flip your mentality upside down and have you dancing with the wolves instead of humans.

Moment of impact when you except that you cannot keep hugging the past so tight that you literally fall blind to seeing what might happen from here on, when you start realising that not all folks will walk away from you and those who do its their loss. When you acknowledge that maybe just maybe apart of you craves being in love , having a sense of belonging and to travel the world and explore different cultures, people and the side of yourself that lets go of control and allows god to do as he sees fit. Moment of impact when a thought of your future scares the crap out of you because it includes all the things that you said you are not going to do nor be yet find yourself drawn to them .When your heart has made its choice and your mind is still in deniel, when you miss someone till you feel sick to your stomach and cannot do anything about it , that’s the moment of impact.  

Its that moment of impact when you silence your voice, think nothing , breathe and feel your own body as you breathe in and out, then say to yourself I got this shit , got it on lock, I love all of me and the woman I am becoming, yes I have lost a lot but I have a lot more to gain and live for, yes it gets lonely without you guys but it will be okay as in gods timing we trust

Merry Xmas to yoll:-)

My dreams

 

I smell you in my dreams, you’re the first thought my mind recollects in the morning when I wake up , my body craves you and only you. I smell you in my dreams , my dreams where rainfall and sunshine make sense, where my heart feels like its in tuned with yours spiritually , as I lay in your chest I see my future flash past by my eyes and its beautiful, especially to someone whose never experienced true love’s beauty before, your big hands fit perfectly with my small hands, your eyes tell me what I need to hear but instead you choose to show me your soul without trying to make any promises you wont be able to keep.

My dreams, I smell you in my dreams when the day gets busy and deadlines take over my mental capacity, I feel your presence, I feel your love, I feed on the idea that you will one day be bold enough to put me first. I smell you in my dreams, in my dreams where you touch my lips with your hands, look at me as if you’re looking at a better version of yourself. I smell you in my dreams, in my dreams where your love heals my broken spirit, where no one exits but you and me, where there is no doubt , nor third parties, just two alienated spirits who belong together.

I smell you in my dreams, in my dreams where night feels like playtime, where you keep loving me with your hands, refuelling me in every way you know how. I smell you in my dreams, in my dreams where we create priceless memories that will last a lifetime, where time stops and we just be. I smell you in my dreams , in my dreams where I tell you that I am in love with you and you tell me you love me too.

 

Love

Switdifferent