Pieces of my life experiences , the ups and downs of being an African woman.

It’s bizarre how the simplest things hurt us , the craziest actions make us laugh for days , how the tough are actually the most fragile ones emotionally , how we mirror our progress by competing with others , how you meet that one person that just leaves a mark in your heart yet pretend like they don’t affect you in any way. It’s a childlike moment for me when I walk down Mandela bridge and start looking at the sky , I have never looked at the sky the way I am now . Life has not been kind but it has been a novel in some way , I think …,what will I tell my other half the day I meet him , will I be brutally honest , will he judge me , will I be insecure and put up my defences , will I be able to tell him that I don’t know what family love feels like  but I am yerning to find out with him, will I feel free to express and show him my emotions ,act crazy without being penalised. I ask all this questions still looking at the sky as if I am talking to god face to face , insane I must be, a thought crosses my mind but right now my concentration is deep in this conversation I am having with the sky , I try by all means to hold back my tears as I feel connected to something that’s beyond me and  right there I make my mini prayer.

I have never been formal when it comes to praying so I start off by apologising for my cursing as anybody who knows me, knows that I curse a lot , then continue with my so called prayer ..* god its me , still don’t know any better , still learning daily , still changing , still wanting more form life , still mad at you for taking my brother , still angry at myself for not trying harder with him, still don’t understand what the bigger plan is , still feel broken inside but asking  you to heal me, as you’re the only one who knows and understands , still need a lot of guidance and your presence in my life , I stand before you asking that you take this weight off my shoulders, give me strength to push forward and believe in your word more ,as ngiyintandane yakho and I don’t want to feel like this nor live like this anymore. I  wish I could say I am bitter but am not , am brused but not bitter , I am here god ,just in case you forgot about me ….I am saying to you I am here , still standing and waiting on you, Amen*.

I finish off my mini prayer as I am walking, still trying by all means to hold in my tears and avoid freaking strangers on the street as to why I am crying. I look up one more time but this time around giving thanks, for all the good and the fact that I am still alive ,wishing that she should have warned me that being human is not that easy and that everything that happens good or bad, all the charactors of pips one will meet good or bad…it forms part of life.