Honesty to self

There's a saying that Ellen DeGeneres said and it literally stuck in my head , i.e "to be loved is good but its more profound to be understood ", I find these words to be very true .

In any case the year is almost over & its been a roller coaster of a year for me both emotionally , spiritually, growth wise in my field of work   & love wise . The lessons just never end , challenges  & disappointments are just a part of life & nobody can avoid those no matter how kind hearted /genuine you are .

In opening up my heart to love again , I realised that saying your open minded & literally being open minded are two different things , and that sometimes the very same folks who claim to be full filled & happy are very insecure , not sure of themselves or what they want , but still we all strive to find that one person who will complement us , love & just be there as a lover & a friend ,

The irony in me writing this is that I fell very hard for someone & dint even plan on it , it happened so fast that  the moment I realised  I was in love , it also hit me that I am totally fucked!!! . The weird thing about truly loving someone is that you want the best for that person , you want to share your desires , your weaknesses , your strengths , your dreams , your plans with that person, weird jokes & moments , but mostly share the same ambitions , goals & values .

As they always say a relationship is a two way street , one person may give a little bit more than the other but still there must be good communication, compromise , effort made & meeting each other in the middle , when nun of that exists it becomes hard to keep things afloat & move in the right direction . Men are really not the same , as in some cultures like for example German men , they really see women as equals & the men are not as expressive  when it comes to showing a woman how they feel  , where else in SA men are very straight forward & some (not all ) don't mind expressing their feelings, so it  all comes down to culture , environment , education , as again no matter how open minded a person can claim to be , when it comes to love that all falls away if you cant express your emotions & let yourself be vulnerable to the one you love .

I had to make the hardest decision of my life a few weeks ago , and also remember the promise I made to myself i.e I will not settle nor sell myself short , I deserve better, I deserve love , I deserve happiness after all the losses in my life & its important to show love to myself when another spirit fails to recognise that I am gold , not bronze but GOLD .

Its very crazy how as women we are brought up to achieve things but always hold being married , having kids & keeping a man as the highest achievement , if you really think about it ,its bullshit , happiness cannot  be measured, as its different for everyone , the only common thing we all have as humans is we all want to be loved & understood .

On the flip side in 2017 , as a proud single woman I will be travelling to Italy , Switzerland and Paris , to say its a dream come true will be an understatement , as its been a long time coming and to be finally doing it feels amazing  and the timing is perfect . I cannot wait  to meet different people , see the different cultures ,inhale new air, eat , drink and be the weirdo that I  am & not be judged .

Cheers to 2017  & doing what feels right for myself!!!

Love

Brenda

The dark

I loved you in the dark, open and ready to embark on a journey I have been avoiding for as long as i can remember , what I foresee is beyond my dreams , I loved you in the dark as you surprised me with your sincerity , awoke my hope, made me smile with my heart ,  changed my hypocritical mentality , I loved you in the dark .

I prayed for you , I just dint realise that God would be true to his promise and surprise me with you , I loved you in the dark , as distance proved to be a light butterfly that can withstand strong winds , connections run deep , as I see you before I lay my head at night , feel your morning kiss when I wake up , I loved you in the dark .

I never thought a spirit like you existed , I never thought my heart would beat so fast for another nor carry this much love inside , I loved you in the dark , as I recall the rejections , the pointless heartbreaks , the psychotic moments I had with spirits that were cold and not  meant  for me , the venting I would impose on my friend ,who had her own issues at the time , the crying and sleepless nights I would have over situations that dint go my way , the obsessive tendencies that took over my sense of thinking logically , I loved you in the dark ,

I get all warm inside when I think about  your awkward dry sense of humour , your not so funny jokes , yet somehow turn out to be funny to me , your good hearted spirit and moody vibes that sometimes make me want to dig a hole and bury you in it , I adore how sometimes you struggle to express yourself with me and get all shy for no reason , I loved you in the dark , I knew you were my person , though you were still working through your trust issues , insecurities and selfish ways .

I loved you in the dark , as you seem to  be oblivious to all of my emotions , feelings and  thoughts , they say our lives are defined by opportunities even the ones we miss ,  with time I guess I will build up the courage to  tell you how I feel , but for now I will love you in the dark .

Love

Brenda . 

Sometimes you have to sit in your own truth

 

I have never really experienced Spring , as in  really feel the sun on my skin , embrace the smooth breeze that comes with wearing light clothing, allow myself to feel the love vibe that comes with Spring  air and makes you hopeful , sometimes you have to sit in your own truth , I had a lingering moment with myself when I experienced an indirect racial comment  coming from a spirit that suffers from self-entitlement yet pretends to love black women . Sometimes you have to sit in your own truth .

I wish my mother was still alive so I can overload some of the bullshit I deal with onto her without being prosecuted for being honest or emotional. Sometimes you have to sit in your own truth. My thoughts are becoming distasteful like a fat man judging a skinny woman for not being sexy enough, sometimes you have to sit in your own truth

 My sadness is slowly eating away my passions and oppressing my mind with hurtful memories that cannot seem to let go of me, sometimes you have to sit in your own truth . I feel my brother’s touch in my dreams , I feel his pain as if it were my pain, it’s strange how deep sibling love flows , sometimes you have to sit in your own truth . I can picture my mother’s look of disappointment and resentment, it re-bruises my heart daily,  sometimes  you have to sit in your own truth.

I rebel against my heart constantly because true happiness frightens me, the thought of being vulnerable and putting my heart at risk eats away at me when I am alone . Its difficult to entertain the façade called dreamland , as its too misleading to the mind , sometimes you have to sit in your own truth , bear the uncomfortable feelings that come with excepting who you used to be versus who you are now .

There are no rules in this life , a  privileged  friend once said to me , without understanding how difficult it is to heal a broken spirit and shake off life’s hardships , sometimes you have to sit in your own truth , let the pain sink in like a drug , don’t fight the impact it might have on your emotions and body, sometimes you have to sit in your own truth without judging yourself too much

Most times I feel more connected to the unknown than the actual people who claim to know me , sometimes you have to sit in your own truth and trust your heart , take a leap of faith, take on the impossible , breakdown barriers with a smile and kill stereotype mentalities , sometimes you have to sit in your own truth and be your own hero .

 

Happy Birthday Ntsitsi!!

 

Love your sister.

Phindile.

Deep cuts are the worst

Deep cuts are the worst, I don’t know what’s more bruised my heart or my ego , flash back to when I was his primary sweetheart , the only thing he could see , he would look at me as if I was the sunrise to his darkness , the pure spirit that could do no wrong , the one girl that made his blood freeze up in his vains , deep cuts are the worst .

Deep cuts are the worst , he was a gentle soul , soft hearted when it came to me , never judged , just always there waiting for me to realise how much his heart yearned for me , deep cuts are the worst . Memories drain my current thought process , as I recall every minute ,every kiss , every struggle , every argument & childish comment we would spit out  without considering how the other person would feel, deep cuts are the worst .

Life happened and I pulled away rebelling against my hearts desires , he pulled towards me praying that I would change my mind & somehow find each other again , but life pressures & circumstances always found a way to bury our love , deep cuts are the worst .

Time passed , you changed,  I changed, I  dwelled into progression & growth as I was battling it out with my own challenges , you created a family with someone else , I was heartbroken by that but sucked it up, as my pride wouldn’t let me cry for you , deep cuts are the worst .

As the spirit guides always work their own magic, I saw you the other day & time stood still for a while but I knew , deep down I knew that I no longer have your heart, that  you finally closed our chapter ,as I never could allow it to start, I saw the anger & the blame in your eyes though you played it cool but I could always read you, deep cuts are the worst  and time does not heal anything , it just teaches one to live with pain  .