Outcast

The word outcast as defined in the dictionary “a person who has been rejected or ostracized by their society or social group” . The stages of our lives differ but sometimes the teachings are the same even when some of us take longer to get the lesson but it eventually sinks in.

 I have been an outcast all my life ,experienced  it in such hard circumstances it almost buried me under my own soul and at some point in my life I hated myself and being alive . The impact it had on my attitude was terrible as I became seriously distant ,guarded , very selective with whom I befriended  and trusted, the fact that I had the worst experiences when it came to relationships dint help either, my walls were up so high I don’t think anybody could reach …them ( well maybe Chris Brown J…, don’t judge!! I relate to the boy….)

The motion and the heavy burden that comes with being and feeling like an outcast can be too damaging on one’s mentality, which may lead to depression but of cause in black societies nobody ever acknowledges depression, even friends assume you will get over it , I know for a fact that some things you cannot get over them and time really doesn’t do shit  ( sorry God!!). We all have things that lay heavy on our hearts and mind but get up every morning and get on with it anyway, as for me I taught myself at a very young age to not let my emotions affect my judgment and I still do that even now…(well  the jury is still out on that ...) .  

 My constant battle with feeling like an outcast continued throughout my teens till now, I was never the pretty chick , always had to work harder, through all that I dint give shit about what people think ( oook maybe I still don’t give a shit )  and though I felt like an outcast I also felt like there is something  bigger than me that’s driving me, see  we fear our feelings and emotions so much these days that we always want to embody the positive persona and act as if we have everything under control but I realised that sometimes I am just a hot mess and that’s ok.  

 This past weekend I had the pleasure of spending time with my grams, we never had the best of relationships but we have a relationship so that’s that, she is literally crazy funny and very opinionated about everything!!!!! even when she is seriously sick, for the very first time in our lives,  I think I saw my grandmother  in a different light and she saw through  me with  lots of love that I felt and in that moment I realised that it was never about what anybody did or what they dint do  or how I wish my childhood was different, I just naturally hated belonging anywhere and I know that is a weird thing to say but it’s the truth . I felt like an outcast because I knew back then I dint belong nor did I want to be chained to any culture or laws and expectations , I just had a very rebellious persona that only a few people understood .   

 

Someone once said:” a man who doesn’t own up to his responsibilities, hides his feelings and emotions with the cloud of coldness and pretence is a very dangerous man and cannot be trusted”, well I say its always best to own your truth and to be proud of who you are and learn to love the kind of person your becoming.  

 I am an outcast .  

 

Love

Brenda   

 

 

 

 

 

They say …..

 They say the devil is a lair, I say being too imaginative can be a curse on its own , I daze through the past as if it’s the present as cutting the cord feels like I am stubbing myself through thick skin that cannot feel nor endure anymore. They say the devil is a liar , I say darkness can kill your spirit ,bruise you to the core, kill your ability to inhale  and appreciate  simple beauty .

 They say the devil is a liar , I say it cannot be worse than having burning thoughts and blinded fears , craving sleep , mind going wild as if you just had a blackout and cannot recall a thing yet feel the pain so deep that the stomach reminds you that fulfilment is more than consuming food . They say the devil is a liar, I say being a loner is suffocating, as it enlarges the empty need of wanting to be needed, the itchy feeling that’s unsettling, the sores that grow internally without any warning .

 They say devil is a liar, I say the mind can be misleading with dreams that never existed, fault assumptions that will leave you feeling like you are playing mind games with a ghost. They say the devil is a liar, I say the end and the beginning can have contradicting out comes, logic and emotions can never find a solution, being rational and falling in love will never be in the same cooking mixture. They say the devil is a liar, I say you cannot control what the heart decides ,you can be as stubborn as  you like, kick and fight but when you’re done , the heart will always crave what it needs.  

 They say the devil is liar, I say human beings prefer being lied to  most times as somehow knowing certain things overshadows our ability to think straight , objectivity seems far off and hard to reach when overwhelmed. They say the devil is a liar , I say what you cannot change doesn’t deserve a moment of your time nor energy , as the spirit guides do things for a reason . They say the devil is a liar , I say we all receive what we deserve when the time is right .

They say the devil is a liar, I say the devil aint shit!!.

 

Word

Switdifferent

 

 

To my GJ

 Soooo 2014 started and I had to digest the whole travelling to Pretoria thing, which was awkward at the beginning but turned out to be great in a way , as somehow I had to face a few unsettling demons , mend friendships and start new ones .

The worst was actually realising that I can be  heartless/rude when pushed  or rubbed the wrong way and that I can be seriously vulnerable ( which I hate as that to me it’s a moment of weakness which some assholes must never see, but this is not about that ..  so moving on  ) . In the mist of all this I also had a moment of sadness and a sense of loss  ( more like a big whole in my heart), as I always make it a point to reflect on my life and see if there is any progress or I am just circling around  the same place , I get bored quickly and loose interest very fast , so to keep myself awake an interested I figured I dig deep and challenge myself to bigger conquests  and see if God will help me through .

I always say that god has a weird sense of humour and that is not a joke !!, like literally , I would high five him every day for the way he has carried me through life , through hardships , through rejection , through breakthroughs  and heartbreaks, to me there is no better friendship I would rather have ,  yes I am a hip hop head , I curse aloooooot  ( not well mannered )and can be gugu gaga most times  but that doesn’t mean I am not spiritual or religious .  

There are many connections we make in this life , some are forever, some we miss and some we  misread , some connections are just plain disconnections , some are just a spare of a moment thing , some  will remain forever priceless and plain hilarious . The fact is as a passionate being I made a lot of mistakes this year but luckily I always prefer the truth , hurtful and unbearable as it is , I always prefer the truth  and god made sure that I practiced what I preached ( like damit…flipin hell moment!!) . The best though was being welcomed in the de Sousa household , I will never forget that and it  was just priceless and it felt good to have a friend who got me when I needed help the most ( I will never forget that Mbali) and I must say I have two Portuguese brothers now which I love J.  

New chapter in my life which had me smiling and just lost for words but also leaving me very exhausted and still recovering , but I wouldn’t change anything and its true what they say that if you allow god into your heart he truly can make your dreams come true and be your mother , your father and your best friend . I hate the holidays but this year I am looking forward to cooking  for my grandmother while she is still alive, a few road trips with Simon and Mo , good laughs  with B and her new baby , finish reading a few books, decorating my home and having a few chilled hip hop sessions with crazy spirits and maybe jumping off something …will see J .

As I am listening  to Sam Smith ‘s album and writing this and trying not to cry as I have never felt such joy and sadness at the same damn time its ridiculous , I have to say that 2014 has been very weird , emotionally rocky , challenging , financially draining, full of blessings , eye  opening ( i.e excepting that I too can be very…… very wrong at times and that’s ok ) , fell in love and very quickly fell out of love,  had my ego smashed to the wall , but picked it up and kept moving , realised that I deserve much better and will keep working towards that , lastly I now know that he never left me , he was always there , through it  all.

 I love you GOD you might not be cool but you’re the best to me..( just to put it out there..)

Love

Brenda Mahlangu

 

 

 

Pretend.

Can we pretend
That everything is like yesterday
What if I just wanna feel you touching me?
Ain't nobody perfect
So if you take a while to make it worth it
I wanna pretend
Let's pretend that we 'bout to break up
To catch the feelings that I when we make up
Legs up, suicide, north side
We never count points when we courtside

Let's pretend I ain't your friend
So we can get it on again
Let's pretend we never met
A good excuse to play forget
Let's pretend you never lied
So I can give it up all night
Swallow my pride, and learn to forgive
When I'm looking for love I pretend
It's you
A love that never ends
I pretend it's you
That I'm in love with

If we pretend that I'm happy when I'm really not
Pretend that I give you everything I've got
Pretend that I'm there when I ain't there
Pretend that I care when I don't care
Once upon a time, I did
Now I admit that I was fucking with a kid
Now I pretend that everything's straight
When everything ex covered up like pain

Let's pretend it's my first time
So you can really blow my mind
Let's pretend we never met
A good excuse to play forget
Let's pretend you never lied
So I can give it up all night
Swallow my pride, and learn to forgive
When I'm looking for love I pretend
It's you
A love that never ends
I pretend it's you
That I'm in love with

 

Tinashe ( Awesome trackJ)