Outcast
The word outcast as defined in the dictionary “a person who has
been rejected or ostracized by their society or social group” . The stages of
our lives differ but sometimes the teachings are the same even when some of us
take longer to get the lesson but it eventually sinks in.
I have been an outcast all my life ,experienced it in such hard circumstances it almost buried
me under my own soul and at some point in my life I hated myself and being
alive . The impact it had on my attitude was terrible as I became seriously
distant ,guarded , very selective with whom I befriended and trusted, the fact that I had the worst
experiences when it came to relationships dint help either, my walls were up so
high I don’t think anybody could reach …them ( well maybe Chris Brown J…, don’t judge!! I relate to the
boy….)
The motion and the heavy burden that comes with being and feeling like
an outcast can be too damaging on one’s mentality, which may lead to depression
but of cause in black societies nobody ever acknowledges depression, even
friends assume you will get over it , I know for a fact that some things you
cannot get over them and time really doesn’t do shit ( sorry God!!). We all have things that lay
heavy on our hearts and mind but get up every morning and get on with it anyway,
as for me I taught myself at a very young age to not let my emotions affect my
judgment and I still do that even now…(well the jury is still out on that ...) .
My constant battle with feeling
like an outcast continued throughout my teens till now, I was never the pretty
chick , always had to work harder, through all that I dint give shit about what
people think ( oook maybe I still don’t give a shit ) and though I felt like an outcast I also felt
like there is something bigger than me that’s driving me, see we fear our feelings and emotions so much
these days that we always want to embody the positive persona and act as if we
have everything under control but I realised that sometimes I am just a hot
mess and that’s ok.
This past weekend I had the pleasure of spending time with my grams, we
never had the best of relationships but we have a relationship so that’s that, she
is literally crazy funny and very opinionated about everything!!!!! even when
she is seriously sick, for the very first time in our lives, I think I saw my grandmother in a different light and she saw through me with
lots of love that I felt and in that moment I realised that it was never
about what anybody did or what they dint do
or how I wish my childhood was different, I just naturally hated
belonging anywhere and I know that is a weird thing to say but it’s the truth .
I felt like an outcast because I knew back then I dint belong nor did I want to
be chained to any culture or laws and expectations , I just had a very rebellious
persona that only a few people understood .
Someone once said:” a man who doesn’t own up to his responsibilities,
hides his feelings and emotions with the cloud of coldness and pretence is a
very dangerous man and cannot be trusted”, well I say its always best to own
your truth and to be proud of who you are and learn to love the kind of person
your becoming.
I am an outcast .
Love
Brenda
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