The Now

There is no one who can say that they didn't do some life reflection in 2020, if you dint do any then your probably detached from self or any spiritual part of self . 

Being a mixture of introvert & extrovert myself, stuck at home improvising on work & centering my energy was a blessing. It's crazy how time fly's , friendships end, some get married ,have kids & evolve into motherhood/fatherhood , acquire new personalities, jobs end , folks die & yet life goes on . 

The power of the billionaires that be /folks who control the circulation of money ,destroy economies & neglect investing in other economies all acted like they were seeing flames last year due to Covid-19 & a year later a vaccine industry is here generating more for the rich , it's a miracle !!!fuck me!! . I will speak from my perspective, I am honestly tired of being part of an economy that's not for people like me ( i.e black folks) . 

Decades of segregation , our forefathers/ancestors never got the chance to fully fulfil their dreams & reach their potential because of a system that was designed to destroy them , it's still lingering decades later in our economy, private sector, cultural division, our self esteem when we are in environments where we have to adjust who we are to accommodate abelungu , it's infuriating to me . I won't even go deep into politics as that on its own it's a disgrace to all the folks that died in the name of freedom , true freedom not this fake South Africa one has to stomach daily. 

I am proud to be African, with every fiber of my being , I have had my own personal struggles but I always pushed through because I learned very early on in life that nobody, I mean nobody owes me anything & if I want a certain life for myself , I would have to work hard for it & giving up is never an option , ever. It's hard but it's the reality for a lot of black  South Africans educated or not. It baffles my mind that 27 years later we still very far from an egalitarian space as a people and as a country. The trajectory of a structured education system for all is illusive as fuck at this point, if you don't have money your child is fucked. 

I never studied legislative law but even I know that any progression begins with amending laws that are no longer working in our constitution , replacing them with more thought out , practical & balanced ones for everyone that lives in this country. It's crazy how all the middle aged black folks in government who claim to know struggle are not bothered with balancing things & amending laws , standing up for all black folks , improving the lives of the poor, I mean come on , who truly wants to be poor for the rest of their life or live in survive mode for decades on end?? Nobody I can tell you that right now. 

Let me detour for a second, my visit to Zimbabwe last year was bitter sweet. As an African to see hurt and the hardships Zimbabweans are going through and yet find it within themselves to smile and be kind, that  teared me down badly ( knowing  how African foreigners are treated in SA) . It's not fun to see other folks suffer due to a black president who single handedly destroyed a country while other African countries looked from afar and did absolutely nothing . 

It's kind of what's happening with our country right now,  nobody is willing to literally change how things are, middle class black families are ok with their lives as long as they are financially secured and survive another year . The rich black folks are self-centered and have completely checked out , then you have most whites who just blatantly choose to be ignorant yet they also breathe the same air we do & live in this country. Then our lovely government that lets Europeans ( and other countries) do as they see fit in our country, like its free jol in SA , so how on earth can we progress with all this hot mess & in denial attitudes?? 

Personally I am exhausted mentally ,I am mad AF!!!  I give zero fucks about adjusting who I am to fit into a certain standard some Gugu gaga privileged individual created decades ago . I truly wish folks could think outside the box, be objective and united in wanting more for themselves individually & collectively, find ways to hold government accountable and remove all these white old men that control our economy in the background and still carry the hatred towards black people/ better yet also force their companies to adhere to new laws or harsh tax penalties . 

I wish we as a people could lift each other up instead of tearing each other down , wanting to shine alone and for those in government stealing and thinking that's acceptable shame on you!!. I wish we could learn to love one another without seeing race, gender & social status, life is hard as it is with folks being depressed & trying their hardest to face mental health issues.

Loving who we are, each other, trying everyday and working together towards progress....,that's a start for me , as unfortunately we are a country with lots of cultures and we have to learn to accept our differences and embrace each other anyways because hate, ignorance & corruption will never get us anywhere.

Spirit

It flows in and out of me, the mind is an asset, the heart the strongest muscle, faith allows you to believe in the unknown, unhealthy love cages the soul & encourages cynicism. It flows in and out of me ,the spirit that refuses to be boxed into conformity. Listen to your feelings, as they will never mislead you in the mist of darkness, the wise say, it flows in and out of me, my mother’s spirit , my grandfather’s sacrifices , my brother’s unmet dreams .

I do the rain dance in my mind all the time, judgement comes with every decision, attachments are bad when exploring new paths, friendships reflect their true strength when the storm hits. It flows in & out of me, that will power I learned as a teenager. The grass never stops growing even when it’s continuously chopped off, hence determination needs to be a constant force within, it flows in & out of me , the light that shines so bright even when surrounded by diabolical beings.

It flows in & out of me, the openness to try my best everyday, to let my heart feel the fear, taste anxiety , acknowledge disappointment, then rise above it . It flows in & out of me, like that priceless feeling one gets when their baby talks for the very first time.

Misdirected perceptions can be corrected, being stubborn about your vision is compulsory ,it flows in & out of me, to be thankful for life & to refuse to fail .

As the saying goes “ I come as one but I stand as ten thousand”# Maya Angelou

Love

Phindile

Political Betrayals

Where do I begin, I cannot stress this enough i.e I am not a political person!, I am just an observant citizen who cannot keep her opinions to herself . In the words of Maya Angelou … “Up from a past that’s rooted in pain, I rise!!!”, this saying to me summarises our country’s political history.

The way things are currently unfolding in the political scene in SA, it’s hard to be objective, positive and not be emotional. It puzzles me that one man can be so hard headed, narcissistic and not have a caring bone in his body , also how much of an influence does he have ?let me rephrase , how many people are on this corruption wagon with him ?? , as it’s evident that if he goes down, a lot of individuals will go down with him hence this dance that is prolonging any form of change.

I was born in this country , I love my country , I love my people even though they can be a headache to work with , deal with & understand most times , but I love my people . I struggle to understand how can all these old/middle age folks in parliament not create /formulate laws that empower our people , laws that force these white owned companies to play fair when it comes to employment, laws that don’t allow European companies to do as they wish or dictate part of our economy . I struggle to understand this “self – enrichment” attitude that most folks who work in parliament/for government departments have. How can things go from almost progression to worse between 2008 till now?? , what was the point of all the blood loss in the past?? What was the point I constantly ask myself??

They say the secret ingredient is always love , right about now confusion , hate , bottled up racial tensions between political parties and citizens seem to rule . In my eyes there is no political party that genuinely cares about the progression of this country because the name of the game is always “self-enrichment”. It saddens me that the leading party has allowed one person to drag our economy, our country’s dignity and our self-pride as a people down like this. One can even argue that how can you expect the very same folks who are corrupt and motivated by empowering only themselves at the expense of others to care about formulating fair laws when themselves fail to adhere to the simplest form of laws .

I personally don’t appreciate what’s happening, the leading party does not understand the bad impact it’s feeding, I have my own personal anxiety related to my own issues, building a small business from the ground with nothing but my will, the last thing I need is to constantly listen to self-centred BNs who only care about fattening their pockets and families with Tax money .

I always say ….Politicians are like that Ex-boyfriend whom you know is going to mistreat you, but you keep taking them back because you have shared history.

It’s time to cut the cord.  

Dazed & Confused.

Phindile .

Sacrifices

The thing about reading someone else’s life story is that it gives you a true sense of who they are and a more profound understanding of where they come from , why they think the way they think or act the way they do , what they value ,what drives them and more importantly what’s dearest to them . Winnie Mandela A life, ooh man this book cuts deep for me & validates the saying “Love is not without sacrifices and losses” . I am actually annoyed with myself for not reading this book sooner but then again, as we all know political books can be depressing as fuck .   

The thing about sacrifices is that in the moment one might have good intentions and literally think they are doing good ,not knowing that one day that sacrifice will be lost in the mist of bad publicity and unreturned love when its due. I have the utmost respect when it comes to “uMama Winnie” for the part she played in the struggle, I mean if I was in her shoes I honest to god don’t think I would have managed . The heartbreaking thing for me is that the very same man she dedicated three decades of her life to was more concerned about his own image and political endeavours instead of working through whatever differences they had when he came out of prison. What annoys me the most is the lack of full acknowledgment ,appreciation and respect , granted Mandela was a gugu gaga saint in our eyes , but he was not the perfect husband nor was uMama Winnie a perfect woman but still she deserved way more , way more hence this love story cuts like a butchers knife to the heart for me .

Sacrifices are a bitch sometimes if you ask me, like I cannot help but be mad for uMama Winnie even though it’s pointless and not my love story but still, I can imagine her pain , her losses throughout the decades , her anger at how the apartheid system stole her life in a way , how the struggle itself robbed her of a normal family and mostly I can imagine her pain when her divorce was finalized and had to watch an even younger woman from another country wed Madiba , see that’s another level of pain no one can anticipate nor prepare for ,this love story just cuts deep for me , politics aside for a second uMkhulu was a BAN, period!

I once read a line from a book, the comment made was “Europeans are taught to understand their own history, while Africans read through history and move on without fully understanding how history has a direct impact on how things are now in this continent of ours. If I was uMama Winnie , I would be mad as a mother fucker….period!!, because at the end of the day ,she was screwed , sacrifices and all , Mandela played her and played her well . The aftermath of how this love story ends really bothers me because it validates four things , 1. even the most kind hearted man can be an asshole , 2. men will love you up until they no longer have any use for you, then simply replace you when it suits them , 3. Nothing fucks you harder than time ( Game of Thrones line ) , 4. Marriage is not for everyone .

Mamu Winnie’s love story sucks & hurts all at once, what I do take away though is that black women are strong and can withstand anything , even in the most unpleasant circumstances , Mamu Winnie is my hero period, mistakes & all , at the end of the day no one can re-write history but one can learn from it .

Jah Bless

Phindile  

Dear Love

We have always had a bittersweet relationship , which conflicted with logic and agreed with the heart , I never understood you, yet I constantly yearned for you . Dear love , I know you and pain are best friends on the down low , I wish you could terminate that toxic relationship, as its the main thing that separates you and me . 

Dear love , I long for the warmness you bring my being , your openness to the unknown , your embrace that makes me feel like I belong , your understanding nature that fills my heart with joy , hope & patience , but then I recall the pain you also brought in me being open and trusting towards you , you shamed me , kicked me when I was down like a broken toy , made me question the notion of faithfulness and trust , you killed every belief one by one with every heartbreak , let down & disappointment .

Dear love , you are wicked in your ways , misleading and deceitful in the way you operate , you hate the mind as you know it will reason better , your dreamy hopes always bring tears and create bitter experiences once you have made your presence felt . Dear love , your lies flow better than African waterfalls , your words are smoke & mirrors of betrayal , yet I still yearn for you sometimes .

Dear love , you so close to my heart , but far away from my mind , I wish we could be friends even though conflict & contradictions tear us apart , I wish we could come to an understanding ....some kind of bargain or verbal agreement , I know you want me to flip over to your believes but I am too fragile to be naive .

Dear love , I write this with a heart that's darkened and torn to pieces , I hope you will understand my position and my ideologies , your delusional and I am practical and realistic , truth is I know one day you will attack full force , but until that day , I ask that you play fair & not fuck with me again .

Kind Regards

Phindile .

Beautiful Magic

Its been a minute since I read a book that I could relate to in terms of personal growth, rebooting my mind set  and refreshing my business sense , as a woman who has never fit in anywhere but always strive to do better and be better , I think Sophia Amaruso broke it down for me in a relatable way in her book #GIRLBOSS , all women should read this book in my opinion ( yeah free advertisement right there ...!!)

This damn book got me thinking and seeing beyond fearful thoughts , one I am firm believer in miracles , and that's because I have experienced a few miracles in my life , mixed with a little bit of beautiful magic, be it in forgiving those who have hurt me the worst or clinging on to a relationship that was not meant to be , I always say that god will take away things that are not meant to be in your life , even though you will forcefully cling on , sooner or later you will realise that it was for the best that certain things dint work out , as its gods way of protecting us from our unguided human nature vibes , hence beautiful magic is necessary .

My radar of being able to detect bullshit has always been on point , when I ignore it the end result tend to be disappointing , I end up in tears consoling myself from a situation I could have avoided had I followed my instinct or should I say listened to my bullshit radar . In #GirlBoss the author noted how it is important to make decisions fearlessly and to have faith in yourself when all bets are off , I could relate to that wholeheartedly, as all my life I had to bet on myself , look out for me , envision shit & make it happen irregardless of any negative back talk hence I loved reading this book .

Embracing new mentalities, taking risks is a definite must that goes along with progression , letting go of folks who want to change your rhythm is also a must , as at the end only you can walk your path . Trevor Noah hinted a core point in his book as well that young black South Africans should take in , i.e only you have the power to define your destiny , if you let others define your destiny , then that's on you!

Reading Trevor's book " Born a Crime" , was like revisiting my own childhood , recalling how difficult & stubborn I was as a child , looking back I really don't know how my mom managed to handle me ( thank the Lord she was a Cancerian & a loving person naturally!!), as if I was her back then , I would have abandoned ship....period!

Life is hard , being an adult , being a parent , being a wife , being a good friend etc..., all this shit doesn't come with a manual and secretively I think most folks wish it did but it doesn't .

Beautiful magic always presents itself silently , as no matter what life throws at me , no matter the planned or unplanned changes , I always keep it positive , I always find the strength within me to not give up , keep my head up and keep it moving, all this I indirectly learned from my mom , because she was a strong , self motivated woman , who loved her kids with all her heart .

I am the woman that I am because of my efforts but mostly because of my mom "Lindi Elinah Mahlangu " , I am my mothers daughter (with a bit of a rebellious side..) , and I am proud of that , she might not be alive but her spirit lives on in me forever.

Hope your proud Mom, mcwaaaaaaa!!!

Happy Women's Month to all the beautiful women in SA!!

Love

Phindile .

　

Honor thyself

Honoring yourself and listening to your instinct is not the easiest thing to do , as many of us are crippled by the fear of the unknown , then add the financial circumstances we find ourselves in . Defining moments can happen on their own but sometimes change has to be initiated in order to allow the process of growth to take effect .

I always took pride in being an independent thinker , I know that the mind is a very powerful tool and how I see myself is more important than what the next person thinks .  I have never shied away from being a rebel  or standing up for what is right and what I believe , nor will that ever change , as I am a conscious person by nature  and I don't like to be controlled or limited in anything .

Two weeks ago I listened to TT on "Power FM" touching on why there are few black women in powerful positions and some gugu gaga  white woman who is an expert in god knows what kept tip toeing around the truth .

Truth is black women are at the bottom of the corporate ladder , you will work your ass off  but fact is you will constantly have to fight through every situation , from being bullied by middle age white men , from being disrespected by black men themselves who think your worth ends in the kitchen and after bearing kids , then you will have condescending  white women who don't know the first thing about being a black woman and dealing with shit on a daily basis , so me listening to that woman go on and on about nothing annoyed the crap out of me , as we are painted as angry when we voice out our opinions or be ourselves , so how can we be at those high levels when we have to fight every step of the way  and be the version of someone else's vision ??

I cant  recall the number of times my character has been poked at like it has been in the past year or so , being patronized and constantly having to pull myself towards myself all because I have to be humble and know my place , well  Kendrick Lamar said it best ' I cant fake humble just coz your ass is insecure !!" , I also realized that I suck at being a follower , I am not a follower , I am an independent spirit and I fully embrace it , I have a big heart , I tend to care to much , I work hard , don't expect free shit from anyone , I believe in God with all my heart because I know he loves me and has my back more than any human being . 

Bathi : the minute you follow your instinct and listen to that inner voice , there more your purpose in life becomes clearer and things will just flow as they are suppose to , that is 100 percent , if you don't  honor yourself , follow your dreams and dance with fear , then you will never uncover your hidden layers , but will fall victim to other people's plans and be a part of their dreams instead of your own dream .

I am proud of being a black woman , my place is where ever I want it to be , I know my worth and what I bring to the table , I will dance with fear till I find my rhythm  but I will not tolerate disrespect and being belittled silently , I will speak up , as we cannot say we are free and yet be prisoners in our  way of thinking .

I will honor myself on a daily , hustle it out , show love , have an open heart  and keep a positive attitude with no limits !

LOVE

Phindile .