ME TIME IN CAPE TOWN@PRICELESS:-)

 Moment of impact

Bounded by the chains that holds me dear, I see that I am my worst enemy, continuously building the wall of China around myself while on the other hand expecting to be understood when I am the master of weiredness and all things different , I blossom in misery, disappointment, thinking the worst of people who might have good intentions, fragrance myself in darkness as the light seems too good to be true, I guess repetition has a way of playing around with the brain, the me I once knew is somehow caught in between social conformity imposed by folks who are not even relevant in my life yet my subconscious allows them to be hence their opinions seem to take effect. Weired one was blunt enough to tell me that maybe am defensive because I judge myself before anybody can even think of judging me , fact of the matter is who wouldn’t ?? after the wild fires I had to walk through all these years, what he failed to understand is that you don’t just get through things and be all better within a minute, wounds still remain, through the smiles , the laughter, the changes ,the money, mixing with friends….the root of the wound is still fragile, when that has healed the self judgement , defence walls will come down on their own without being forced.

The moment of impact never gives warning signs, it just happens and trust me when it does you will not look at yourself or your life the same, everything takes on a different dimension, in lack of a better term most folks call it growing up , I prefer to call it sinking into the kind of person god has planned for you to be. It took practising yoga to silence the screaming part of me that was just so sick ……, so sick of playing it cool, being thankful for things I find hard to enjoy, holding back my tears when someone said something insensitive without knowing how sensitive I am ,holding myself back from calling the one person I need. Like everything unknown change is unavoidable, constant and unpredictable, it’s the one thing that can flip your mentality upside down and have you dancing with the wolves instead of humans.

Moment of impact when you except that you cannot keep hugging the past so tight that you literally fall blind to seeing what might happen from here on, when you start realising that not all folks will walk away from you and those who do its their loss. When you acknowledge that maybe just maybe apart of you craves being in love , having a sense of belonging and to travel the world and explore different cultures, people and the side of yourself that lets go of control and allows god to do as he sees fit. Moment of impact when a thought of your future scares the crap out of you because it includes all the things that you said you are not going to do nor be yet find yourself drawn to them .When your heart has made its choice and your mind is still in deniel, when you miss someone till you feel sick to your stomach and cannot do anything about it , that’s the moment of impact.  

Its that moment of impact when you silence your voice, think nothing , breathe and feel your own body as you breathe in and out, then say to yourself I got this shit , got it on lock, I love all of me and the woman I am becoming, yes I have lost a lot but I have a lot more to gain and live for, yes it gets lonely without you guys but it will be okay as in gods timing we trust

Merry Xmas to yoll:-)

My dreams

 

I smell you in my dreams, you’re the first thought my mind recollects in the morning when I wake up , my body craves you and only you. I smell you in my dreams , my dreams where rainfall and sunshine make sense, where my heart feels like its in tuned with yours spiritually , as I lay in your chest I see my future flash past by my eyes and its beautiful, especially to someone whose never experienced true love’s beauty before, your big hands fit perfectly with my small hands, your eyes tell me what I need to hear but instead you choose to show me your soul without trying to make any promises you wont be able to keep.

My dreams, I smell you in my dreams when the day gets busy and deadlines take over my mental capacity, I feel your presence, I feel your love, I feed on the idea that you will one day be bold enough to put me first. I smell you in my dreams, in my dreams where you touch my lips with your hands, look at me as if you’re looking at a better version of yourself. I smell you in my dreams, in my dreams where your love heals my broken spirit, where no one exits but you and me, where there is no doubt , nor third parties, just two alienated spirits who belong together.

I smell you in my dreams, in my dreams where night feels like playtime, where you keep loving me with your hands, refuelling me in every way you know how. I smell you in my dreams, in my dreams where we create priceless memories that will last a lifetime, where time stops and we just be. I smell you in my dreams , in my dreams where I tell you that I am in love with you and you tell me you love me too.

 

Love

Switdifferent

I have always been  an analytical person by nature but I realised that speaking my truth and not taking shit advice from folks who know nothing about what is in my head works pretty well for me. Love lives in strange places and sometimes it can present itself unexpectedly ,not the way we want it or not even with the person we want, but once it has avail itself you have two options , take everything in stride and embrace it or you can shy away and make up an excuse about how the person is not right for you, because they don’t fit in into the perfect image you have in your head and how the timing is just off for you because your just too occupied with your own plans.

When something feels forced you know it’s not right and when something feels right your heart and mind will gravitate towards it , things become easier , talking and opening up comes natural as nothing is pretence. Doing what feels right for one self is hard and it shouldn’t be but I guess we get caught up in expectations and insecurities that we lose side of what is important in life and somehow rush ourselves into making stupid decisions that we will later regret, for once think about what will happen if you put yourself and needs first, figure out what makes you happy, what do you want out of life , forget about what your friends are doing or how they are living , live your own life , make your own rules then break them again its okay, all will still be well with the world.

Respect for self and sticking to your values will never fail you when it comes to dealing with barriers of any kind, I found myself listening to old school jazzy music that is so comforting to the heart and crying as I miss my loved ones soo much yet at the same time I don’t want to loose myself in grief and in the past , but start a new page on my own with gods guidance and embracing love in all of  my friendships ,learn to be a bit patient with myself but still moving forward. Nothing is never guaranteed and I guess challenges will always be there, thing is though if you are really doing what is best for you everything does really fall into place. God has a weired sense of humour and throughout this past three months  i feel like his been trying to change my mindset and attitude about love , life and self.

My ahah moment , feeling emotionally tiered and finally listening to my body  and just taking a breather , excepting that  I cannot rush my way through healing from my brother’s death, I cannot pace myself with others as I am off a different breed , I cannot rush my way through a relation with any man nor can I make anybody happy until I give all that buddle  of love and joy to myself first , just have a celebration of me while building my relationship with god, as he has led me through this road and he will stick with me till the end of it, all I have to do is to be open to changing and learning more about myself and those who i find interesting .

They say love is a choice , followed by a feeling you choose to have for a specific person because of the characters you see and like in them, I say love to love , go after what you think is ment for you even if you don’t feel good enough , make others laugh as that’s healing  ,maintain a balance between  work and a personal life and just be present  as only time will tell, lastly remember that love never goes out of style.

love

BrendaJ….

Changes to take note of :

Ø  The SITE (standard income tax on employees) is now being faced out because the tax system has now being modernised .

Ø  Furthermore the  Income Tax Threshold (R 59 750 for the year 2012 year of assessment),for tax payers younger than 65yrs , is approaching the site limit of R 60 000

Ø  To ease the impact on affected tax payers (who now have to submit an Income Tax Return),a phasing out process over the next two years of assessment has been introduced ,administrative relief measures are provided for to limit any potential hardship to affected taxpayers

Ø  Tax payers who receive more than one IRP5/IT3(a), form which only SITE (source code 4101) has been deducted , will  now be liable to pay Income Tax for the first time on their combined income.

Ø  The Income Tax payable will be at reduced amount which will be calculated as follows

-          For the year 2012 year of assessment you will pay the calculated SITE amount and one third(1/3) of the additional tax calculated .

-          For the year 2013 year of assessment you will pay the calculated SITE amount and two thirds(2/3) of the additional tax calculated.

-          As for 2014 year of assessment you will be liable for the full tax amount calculate.

Ø  Lastly phasing out SITE will have no effect on payroll systems for the next two years of assessment (2012 & 2013). Employers will continue calculating SITE as per current methods up till the end of February 2013.  As from 1 March 2013 (year of assessment 2014) employers will no longer have to calculate and withhold SITE from taxpayer’s remuneration.

The process of letting go and not allowing folks in general to put you into their suitable boxes has a way of making you view yourself , your life and who you are in a different light. Had this crazy yerning of bringing out the freak in me but just dint know how to go around it but I must say Flo Mokale new exactly how to bring that side out through his pictures and for that I would like to say thank you to him and his talent.

Had a fun crazy time doing this and loved every moment of it:-)

What is your attitude

It all starts with an act of kindness, I am firm believer that if you do something for someone, do not make it a point that if they fuck up now and again you constantly remind them of how much you have helped them out in life, ..thing is when you do something from the goodness of your heart you will not need any recognition or except someone to suck up to you just because you helped them out , but reality is people do . They say attitude and how you respond to people in your life and the things that happen to you in general says a lot about the kind of person you are.

I had the pleasures of dealing with the folks that work for Government in the past couple of weeks and I swear half the time I could feel my heart pumping and my feast ready to punch something (being that I am not the most patient person when it comes to putting up with crapy attitudes) but the experience itself made me take a look in the mirrow and question my attitude towards others, for example ..my old friends, my not by choice family, co-workers  acqauintances , new friends and lastly how I am dealing with my grief. I must say this was one of the toughest thing I had to come face to face with and ask myself if do I have a bad attitude most times??

The answer....yes I do!!, I can be extremely warm and kind if I feel most comfortable in someone else’s presence and see that they are genuine beings but if at any point I sense a bit of selfishness agenda or gugu gaga attitude I put my guard up and switch on my protective mode attitude just in case . It would be easier to shift the blame but I sort of made a conscious decision that I will not do that as that would show no level of maturity or learning from my mistakes and doing better. The moment hit home when I realised that I love spending most my time alone, researching things I know nothing about and writting,I resent guys mentality and the way they sometimes make the people they love feel small by justifying their fucked up behaviours, I love to be in control when it comes to my life (Pinklolo would say I am a control freakJ) and the people I allow in my life/space, I am a perfectionist and I am very picky and I hate explaining myself to people who know shit about my life, I get inspired by watching documentaries which other folks may find weired , my point is.. in my own way I had to face the fact that I am selfish as well sometimes or most times (but who's counting rite?), cold and rude, and get aggressively angry when I am hurt to the point where if I shut you out , I sort of declare you dead, so my question to myself was.. cant I try to be abit kinder to others, less suspicious and more forgiving , spend time with those that want to share their time with me?? ..i don’t know…,that question is still pending.

Attitude is an internal thing, I can go on n on about guys I have met with bad gugu gaga attitudes but it makes no difference if I am exactly like them but expect them to treat me differently, as the saying goes *its quickly to read a person’s attitude who possess the same charactoristics that you try to hide*. Fact is my attitude is a work in progress and I have promised myself that regardless of lifes hardships , I will work on it and make it a positive one towards myself and others.

love

Switdifferent.

It’s amazing how the spirit guides work sometimes , you go to a place expecting to just have fun but find yourself being more closer to self and experiencing the most priceless feeling ever and more blessed spiritually. As the Irish Dub /Reggae artist preached out as the music was playing *don’t let the things that happen to you in life define you ,appreciate the life and the little things that you have * as simple as those words are they hit home for me as I was on the dance floor with my friend B. Then on the other hand you had the Admaral and Jahseed blessing us with some reggae beats which were on another level , felt like was in the some Rastafarian church getting some strong healing.

Baseline was on fire, like some serious spiritual fire , now I totally understand why Rastas don’t need alcohol to have fun or to just be happy. Showing love and giving  love never goes out of style and I truelly experienced that this past weekend.

Jah bless and more Fire….to living life according to your own standards, surrounding yourself with the people that  love  and appreciate you and to never taking anyone for granted!!!!

I know we could have had it all
I wasn’t ready to go steady no not at all
Smoke and mirrors clouded my vision we hit a wall
Couldn’t see the moon and the sky behind the fog
Pregnant pause
Damn your baby tall, what you been up to
I don’t blame you my doll
Yeah, we kinda stalled
As God as my witness, timin’ was my mistress
I guess it’s in the stars for me to love you from a distance
Uh, our ship sail, uh, the wind blows
The door’s always open but our window was closed
You always thought “What if?”
But that’ll just drive you crazy baby, girl interrupted
Thinkin’ ’bout what wasn’t
Thinkin’ ’bout what was it?
Was it somethin’ I done?
Somethin’ I could do better although nothin’ could be done
Sometimes you get what you need
Now what you think you want?
So baby no moon and sky, got a beautiful sun

@@Jigga aka JayZ

It’s bizarre how the simplest things hurt us , the craziest actions make us laugh for days , how the tough are actually the most fragile ones emotionally , how we mirror our progress by competing with others , how you meet that one person that just leaves a mark in your heart yet pretend like they don’t affect you in any way. It’s a childlike moment for me when I walk down Mandela bridge and start looking at the sky , I have never looked at the sky the way I am now . Life has not been kind but it has been a novel in some way , I think …,what will I tell my other half the day I meet him , will I be brutally honest , will he judge me , will I be insecure and put up my defences , will I be able to tell him that I don’t know what family love feels like  but I am yerning to find out with him, will I feel free to express and show him my emotions ,act crazy without being penalised. I ask all this questions still looking at the sky as if I am talking to god face to face , insane I must be, a thought crosses my mind but right now my concentration is deep in this conversation I am having with the sky , I try by all means to hold back my tears as I feel connected to something that’s beyond me and  right there I make my mini prayer.

I have never been formal when it comes to praying so I start off by apologising for my cursing as anybody who knows me, knows that I curse a lot , then continue with my so called prayer ..* god its me , still don’t know any better , still learning daily , still changing , still wanting more form life , still mad at you for taking my brother , still angry at myself for not trying harder with him, still don’t understand what the bigger plan is , still feel broken inside but asking  you to heal me, as you’re the only one who knows and understands , still need a lot of guidance and your presence in my life , I stand before you asking that you take this weight off my shoulders, give me strength to push forward and believe in your word more ,as ngiyintandane yakho and I don’t want to feel like this nor live like this anymore. I  wish I could say I am bitter but am not , am brused but not bitter , I am here god ,just in case you forgot about me ….I am saying to you I am here , still standing and waiting on you, Amen*.

I finish off my mini prayer as I am walking, still trying by all means to hold in my tears and avoid freaking strangers on the street as to why I am crying. I look up one more time but this time around giving thanks, for all the good and the fact that I am still alive ,wishing that she should have warned me that being human is not that easy and that everything that happens good or bad, all the charactors of pips one will meet good or bad…it forms part of life.

This coming weekend (June 16^th) let us remember those who walked before us, stood firm and took action in something because they have had enough of  being silenced and treated as if they are not human beings and part of society. As the youth of this country we fight  a different battle  today and are still faced with a lot of challenges , lets reflect on our History, take pride but not be stuck in the past but be in the present.

Hard work must still be the core value that is installed in our youth, education is the biggest battle that this country still faces, drug addiction is killing our young men, young girls having sex before time , aids sucking the life out of us and yet money seems to be more worshiped than god !!.At some point we have to guide our indeniel government  by taking pride in our lives and using the little that we have to improve ourselves , as every young person has a story to tell and every story can be used as a positive guide to those who feel hopeless. Lets not be an ignorant youth , lets stand for something , be it a personal battle your facing or not ….., lets not make everything about colour nor put each other in social boxes but  strive to do better in our lives daily.

Cheers to this youth month !!

Mista D's Music Blog: Mos Def : Mos Dub

Mista D's Music Blog: Mos Def : Mos Dub

WORD & SOUND  POETRY GIG AT EMONTI -NEWTOWN(02 JUNE 2012)

I am still here

I woke up to a bad  dream with a heavy heart , staring at the woman who was shaped like a tree faced upside down , looking at me as if I had disappointed her , misplaced her kid , killed a dream and choked the life out of the little good she ever had inside her , I am still here as I am confronted with my biggest fear,… failing to keep your promise, your brothers have made it their mission to crash any glim I might have of the future , being cast out , rejected like a dog , ignored as if my being was a big mistake to the perfect clan that I didn’t belong to ,I am still here and this dream feels all so real as I run of tears which block the pain that’s in between my lungs, I scream out loud as I try to run away from this woman who seems to want to teach me a thing or two about life yet my feet cannot seem to carry my body and I fall down to no ground and still see this woman.

That was my first truth , I gasp trying to breathe and hopefully wake up from this dream but this woman refuses to let me go and my soul peacefully excepts my fate, his now staring at me with shame, like he wants to say something to comfort me but she gets more angry as he tries to reach me .I am sorry he says  as his eyes are all teary with blood , for what I ask??, I am sorry for not being strong enough , for making grandma cry , for being the opposite of what I was taught to be by grandpa, for putting up an act so as to avoid this hurt and not disappoint you , I am sorry for lying and deceiving all the people that loved me especially you, for hiding behind our circumstances when you didn’t ,for letting myself down and giving into temptation by smoking this devil that eventually led to my death , I am sorry for not believing in myself and what you wanted me to learn and see, that the world is full of opportunities no matter where you come from , I am sorry sis I am sorry I left the way that I did, I couldn’t take the pain nor deal with it anymore and I say this not expecting you to understand but just saying my truth to you. I am still here looking at him bleed and this woman getting more peeved  at me as if I don’t deserve to hear those words coming out of him .

When it rains it pores they say ,I am drawning in this nun existant rain that seems to be hitting my skin like wild fires , don’t think about it.., it will pass …, it will make you strong they say ,there’s a lesson in every challenge , I am sorry …..,then life goes on …., but life doesn’t go on for me , this shit is my reality , I close my eyes and I see him , I am still here and i don’t understand why , she pulls me closer , I go blind but can still see it as if it happened yesterday,  nun of this is hallucination nor fiction it’s as real as it gets , its my truth ,my life story and a part of my history yet I still cant swallow fully the left overs of this story. I am still here, she’s now in front of me looking at me as if she’s taking a pick at my soul and doesn’t like what she sees , you burned my reflection, failed dismally at being a sister , I asked you to look out for him yet you put yourself first and he lost his way , Its not my ….fault …..its not my fault…,’’I am not done sharing my truth”, I will burn you …and you will be more remorseful than you are now …,its not my fault …its not my fault mom …….

My last truth , I am still here and I don’t know why , no one knows this weight of pain l carry yet they understand , friends keep their distance and they don’t know how much I need them right at this moment, but I am not a priority nor expect to be …,.as I am a ticking boom waiting to explode , question is when ??....when I don’t feel anything anymore …nor feel motivated to be me after having to live through this….like I said this is nor fiction but my life. I am still here as I scream out my brother’s name in vain, gutted by this horrible motion sitting in my throat but will not come out, as I mumble in my misery this woman fades away and I realise that my eyes have been opened this whole time and she was here and he was here with her as well.

I am still here , facing me in the mirror ,though broken and shattered , everything I love taken from me, …….i trust in the unknown , I will walk in faith  not knowing what’s to come but excepting what is your will God. I am still here.

Love –SwitdifferentL