I woke up to
a bad dream with a heavy heart , staring
at the woman who was shaped like a tree faced upside down , looking at me as if
I had disappointed her , misplaced her kid , killed a dream and choked the life
out of the little good she ever had inside her , I am still here as I am
confronted with my biggest fear,… failing to keep your promise, your brothers
have made it their mission to crash any glim I might have of the future , being
cast out , rejected like a dog , ignored as if my being was a big mistake to
the perfect clan that I didn’t belong to ,I am still here and this dream feels
all so real as I run of tears which block the pain that’s in between my lungs,
I scream out loud as I try to run away from this woman who seems to want to teach
me a thing or two about life yet my feet cannot seem to carry my body and I fall
down to no ground and still see this woman.
That was my
first truth , I gasp trying to breathe and hopefully wake up from this dream
but this woman refuses to let me go and my soul peacefully excepts my fate, his
now staring at me with shame, like he wants to say something to comfort me but
she gets more angry as he tries to reach me .I am sorry he says as his eyes are all teary with blood , for
what I ask??, I am sorry for not being strong enough , for making grandma cry ,
for being the opposite of what I was taught to be by grandpa, for putting up an
act so as to avoid this hurt and not disappoint you , I am sorry for lying and
deceiving all the people that loved me especially you, for hiding behind our
circumstances when you didn’t ,for letting myself down and giving into
temptation by smoking this devil that eventually led to my death , I am sorry
for not believing in myself and what you wanted me to learn and see, that the
world is full of opportunities no matter where you come from , I am sorry sis I
am sorry I left the way that I did, I couldn’t take the pain nor deal with it
anymore and I say this not expecting you to understand but just saying my truth
to you. I am still here looking at him bleed and this woman getting more
peeved at me as if I don’t deserve to
hear those words coming out of him .
When it
rains it pores they say ,I am drawning in this nun existant rain that seems to
be hitting my skin like wild fires , don’t think about it.., it will pass …, it
will make you strong they say ,there’s a lesson in every challenge , I am sorry
…..,then life goes on …., but life doesn’t go on for me , this shit is my
reality , I close my eyes and I see him , I am still here and i don’t understand
why , she pulls me closer , I go blind but can still see it as if it happened
yesterday, nun of this is hallucination
nor fiction it’s as real as it gets , its my truth ,my life story and a part of
my history yet I still cant swallow fully the left overs of this story. I am still
here, she’s now in front of me looking at me as if she’s taking a pick at my
soul and doesn’t like what she sees , you burned my reflection, failed dismally
at being a sister , I asked you to look out for him yet you put yourself first
and he lost his way , Its not my ….fault …..its not my fault…,’’I am not done
sharing my truth”, I will burn you …and you will be more remorseful than you
are now …,its not my fault …its not my fault mom …….
My last
truth , I am still here and I don’t know why , no one knows this weight of pain
l carry yet they understand , friends keep their distance and they don’t know
how much I need them right at this moment, but I am not a priority nor expect
to be …,.as I am a ticking boom waiting to explode , question is when
??....when I don’t feel anything anymore …nor feel motivated to be me after
having to live through this….like I said this is nor fiction but my life. I am
still here as I scream out my brother’s name in vain, gutted by this horrible
motion sitting in my throat but will not come out, as I mumble in my misery
this woman fades away and I realise that my eyes have been opened this whole
time and she was here and he was here with her as well.
I am still here
, facing me in the mirror ,though broken and shattered , everything I love
taken from me, …….i trust in the unknown , I will walk in faith not knowing what’s to come but excepting what
is your will God. I am still here.
Love –SwitdifferentL
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