Travel diary - part one

I still haven’t figured out what good lesson really comes out of any heartbreak, but what I know for sure is that big disappointments are full of good lessons.

Travelling on the other hand opens up hidden layers of self, takes you outside your comfort zone, and makes you vulnerable to the unknown, good, bad & unplanned. It’s magical, also scary to be on foreign land & be seen as a foreigner visiting a country but with that self-confidence arises.

My mini experience of getting lost in Munich , Germany was an epic disaster yet amazing , trying to find directions of the train station in Rome , made me feel like I was having a panic attack in slow motion , yet somehow I managed to find the train that gets to Central Rome .

Rome is beautiful , but I fell in love with Florence , the architecture , the history , the street vibe , the deep stories behind all the old buildings and sculptures , I could feel my spirit connecting with the city ( minus the cold !!) . The weird thing is ,I expected to love Rome more but ended up day dreaming in Florence , and not believing what my eyes were seeing in Switzerland , ohm cold Switzerland , the landscape , the thick snow ......words fail me , will definitely go back there one day when I hit the lotto/jackpot ( as that’s the land of the rich !!) . If I were to define it in one word I would say plain/neutral, no colour at all.

Last stop Paris, France , ooh the French , God bless the French & their refusal to speak English , all the beauty , the landmarks , the history , the architecture , the food was beyond amazing !!, but the people ....sweet lord !! They were cold as fuck & unfriendly, which makes all the beauty that France possess meaningless in my eyes, nor will I ever go back there.

Western Europe was interesting & eye opening , literally made me crave travelling more & realized that I can travel more by myself , as its worth the investment ...( as weird as that sounds ) , making my dream come true was priceless & epic , despite the small disappointments & culture shock moments I had on this weird journey , I wouldn’t change a damn thing . When one attains old dreams, new dreams are born & it’s time for new dreams.

There is no place like home, I truly love South Africa, with all my heart & I am very proud to be from this country, It's actually sad that i had to go to Europe to be able to appreciate where I come from . I personally think that Europe is no better than Africa , the difference is that Europeans invest in themselves & their neighboring countries, and keep the wealth among themselves , take pride in their history, where else Africa doesn’t , we don’t have enough confidence in ourselves as people of color , don’t educate ourselves enough , nor do our leaders invest in us , we have a very hush HISTORY , that has contributed to this lack of self-confidence , and lack of self-love among ourselves , we hate each other , that’s why all these African countries cannot move forward Economically and not have to depend on outside resources for money & to keep certain economies afloat, Inequality scars run deep and still cause a big divide but hey thats a topic for another day .

We need to show love to each other , help one another , build our self-confidence as a people , as an African continent , Europeans have nothing on us literally , we are colourful , special , different , we love hard , play hard , we emotional as fuck , we are flipin awesome .

Cant wait to explore more of the world , but I need to explore my African continent more , as thats my first love .

Love

Phindile .

Honesty to self

There's a saying that Ellen DeGeneres said and it literally stuck in my head , i.e "to be loved is good but its more profound to be understood ", I find these words to be very true .

In any case the year is almost over & its been a roller coaster of a year for me both emotionally , spiritually, growth wise in my field of work   & love wise . The lessons just never end , challenges  & disappointments are just a part of life & nobody can avoid those no matter how kind hearted /genuine you are .

In opening up my heart to love again , I realised that saying your open minded & literally being open minded are two different things , and that sometimes the very same folks who claim to be full filled & happy are very insecure , not sure of themselves or what they want , but still we all strive to find that one person who will complement us , love & just be there as a lover & a friend ,

The irony in me writing this is that I fell very hard for someone & dint even plan on it , it happened so fast that  the moment I realised  I was in love , it also hit me that I am totally fucked!!! . The weird thing about truly loving someone is that you want the best for that person , you want to share your desires , your weaknesses , your strengths , your dreams , your plans with that person, weird jokes & moments , but mostly share the same ambitions , goals & values .

As they always say a relationship is a two way street , one person may give a little bit more than the other but still there must be good communication, compromise , effort made & meeting each other in the middle , when nun of that exists it becomes hard to keep things afloat & move in the right direction . Men are really not the same , as in some cultures like for example German men , they really see women as equals & the men are not as expressive  when it comes to showing a woman how they feel  , where else in SA men are very straight forward & some (not all ) don't mind expressing their feelings, so it  all comes down to culture , environment , education , as again no matter how open minded a person can claim to be , when it comes to love that all falls away if you cant express your emotions & let yourself be vulnerable to the one you love .

I had to make the hardest decision of my life a few weeks ago , and also remember the promise I made to myself i.e I will not settle nor sell myself short , I deserve better, I deserve love , I deserve happiness after all the losses in my life & its important to show love to myself when another spirit fails to recognise that I am gold , not bronze but GOLD .

Its very crazy how as women we are brought up to achieve things but always hold being married , having kids & keeping a man as the highest achievement , if you really think about it ,its bullshit , happiness cannot  be measured, as its different for everyone , the only common thing we all have as humans is we all want to be loved & understood .

On the flip side in 2017 , as a proud single woman I will be travelling to Italy , Switzerland and Paris , to say its a dream come true will be an understatement , as its been a long time coming and to be finally doing it feels amazing  and the timing is perfect . I cannot wait  to meet different people , see the different cultures ,inhale new air, eat , drink and be the weirdo that I  am & not be judged .

Cheers to 2017  & doing what feels right for myself!!!

Love

Brenda

The dark

I loved you in the dark, open and ready to embark on a journey I have been avoiding for as long as i can remember , what I foresee is beyond my dreams , I loved you in the dark as you surprised me with your sincerity , awoke my hope, made me smile with my heart ,  changed my hypocritical mentality , I loved you in the dark .

I prayed for you , I just dint realise that God would be true to his promise and surprise me with you , I loved you in the dark , as distance proved to be a light butterfly that can withstand strong winds , connections run deep , as I see you before I lay my head at night , feel your morning kiss when I wake up , I loved you in the dark .

I never thought a spirit like you existed , I never thought my heart would beat so fast for another nor carry this much love inside , I loved you in the dark , as I recall the rejections , the pointless heartbreaks , the psychotic moments I had with spirits that were cold and not  meant  for me , the venting I would impose on my friend ,who had her own issues at the time , the crying and sleepless nights I would have over situations that dint go my way , the obsessive tendencies that took over my sense of thinking logically , I loved you in the dark ,

I get all warm inside when I think about  your awkward dry sense of humour , your not so funny jokes , yet somehow turn out to be funny to me , your good hearted spirit and moody vibes that sometimes make me want to dig a hole and bury you in it , I adore how sometimes you struggle to express yourself with me and get all shy for no reason , I loved you in the dark , I knew you were my person , though you were still working through your trust issues , insecurities and selfish ways .

I loved you in the dark , as you seem to  be oblivious to all of my emotions , feelings and  thoughts , they say our lives are defined by opportunities even the ones we miss ,  with time I guess I will build up the courage to  tell you how I feel , but for now I will love you in the dark .

Love

Brenda . 

Sometimes you have to sit in your own truth

 

I have never really experienced Spring , as in  really feel the sun on my skin , embrace the smooth breeze that comes with wearing light clothing, allow myself to feel the love vibe that comes with Spring  air and makes you hopeful , sometimes you have to sit in your own truth , I had a lingering moment with myself when I experienced an indirect racial comment  coming from a spirit that suffers from self-entitlement yet pretends to love black women . Sometimes you have to sit in your own truth .

I wish my mother was still alive so I can overload some of the bullshit I deal with onto her without being prosecuted for being honest or emotional. Sometimes you have to sit in your own truth. My thoughts are becoming distasteful like a fat man judging a skinny woman for not being sexy enough, sometimes you have to sit in your own truth

 My sadness is slowly eating away my passions and oppressing my mind with hurtful memories that cannot seem to let go of me, sometimes you have to sit in your own truth . I feel my brother’s touch in my dreams , I feel his pain as if it were my pain, it’s strange how deep sibling love flows , sometimes you have to sit in your own truth . I can picture my mother’s look of disappointment and resentment, it re-bruises my heart daily,  sometimes  you have to sit in your own truth.

I rebel against my heart constantly because true happiness frightens me, the thought of being vulnerable and putting my heart at risk eats away at me when I am alone . Its difficult to entertain the façade called dreamland , as its too misleading to the mind , sometimes you have to sit in your own truth , bear the uncomfortable feelings that come with excepting who you used to be versus who you are now .

There are no rules in this life , a  privileged  friend once said to me , without understanding how difficult it is to heal a broken spirit and shake off life’s hardships , sometimes you have to sit in your own truth , let the pain sink in like a drug , don’t fight the impact it might have on your emotions and body, sometimes you have to sit in your own truth without judging yourself too much

Most times I feel more connected to the unknown than the actual people who claim to know me , sometimes you have to sit in your own truth and trust your heart , take a leap of faith, take on the impossible , breakdown barriers with a smile and kill stereotype mentalities , sometimes you have to sit in your own truth and be your own hero .

 

Happy Birthday Ntsitsi!!

 

Love your sister.

Phindile.

Deep cuts are the worst

Deep cuts are the worst, I don’t know what’s more bruised my heart or my ego , flash back to when I was his primary sweetheart , the only thing he could see , he would look at me as if I was the sunrise to his darkness , the pure spirit that could do no wrong , the one girl that made his blood freeze up in his vains , deep cuts are the worst .

Deep cuts are the worst , he was a gentle soul , soft hearted when it came to me , never judged , just always there waiting for me to realise how much his heart yearned for me , deep cuts are the worst . Memories drain my current thought process , as I recall every minute ,every kiss , every struggle , every argument & childish comment we would spit out  without considering how the other person would feel, deep cuts are the worst .

Life happened and I pulled away rebelling against my hearts desires , he pulled towards me praying that I would change my mind & somehow find each other again , but life pressures & circumstances always found a way to bury our love , deep cuts are the worst .

Time passed , you changed,  I changed, I  dwelled into progression & growth as I was battling it out with my own challenges , you created a family with someone else , I was heartbroken by that but sucked it up, as my pride wouldn’t let me cry for you , deep cuts are the worst .

As the spirit guides always work their own magic, I saw you the other day & time stood still for a while but I knew , deep down I knew that I no longer have your heart, that  you finally closed our chapter ,as I never could allow it to start, I saw the anger & the blame in your eyes though you played it cool but I could always read you, deep cuts are the worst  and time does not heal anything , it just teaches one to live with pain  .

The downside of progress & change  

As they say “change is the only thing that is constant in this world “, yet as humans we try by all means to fight and rebel against it , we find reasons to stay in our limiting ways ,we have grown fond of , we justify why things shouldn't change because they have been done a certain way & how dare we start now and change things . Thing is though if one can’t flow with the changes you will never outgrow the old you, see beyond your circumstances & even embrace new people

In my opinion change has the ability to bring out the worst in people , insecurities start creeping out, egocentric vibes start taking over humble spirits , personality clashes have their mini parties , the devil literally has Christmas at our expense just because change freaks people out and also cripples the mind in a weird kind of way. There are those that adjust well to change based on their intellectual level & complexity to adapt to situations even when they are uncomfortable ,yet even those struggle with change but soon get into the vibe  of change , then its endless possibilities .

Eight  months ago I made a decision to resign & start afresh, venture on to new possibilities, I had no idea that I would end up working for a manufacturing company , let alone be the only black female holding a Management position & surrounded by men only . I must admit it was intriguing to me and felt like good timing to make the change and just see what else could be out there for me in Jo’burg , little did I know that being a young woman & managing men comes with a lot of challenges  & chauvinistic attitudes that are hidden behind bullshit justifications.

The fighter in me just embraced the opportunity but the realist in me knew that this will be no piece of cake , indeed it was a challenge & still is but I am determined to not allow rigid attitudes & mature men who are insecure , scared of change determine the outcome of this chapter in my life . It’s bad enough racial issues are in the mix , add black cultural issues of traditionalist who don’t see themselves being managed by a young women .  This shit called change is intense, heavy and hard to deal with , men in this country especially black men both educated & nun educated , cannot digest the idea  of a strong woman at some level they want control & power.

The battle I face & will still face next year is to bring about change & deal with stuck up attitudes from men who literally want to see me break , fail & eventually quit , but unfortunately for them I am stronger than I look & there’s nothing I know better than to deal with delusional individuals who are  scared of change & progression .

New Year’s resolutions or not , change will happen any ways in our lives , friendship dynamics change , careers change , life plans get distracted with beautiful surprises , sometimes not so beautiful but change will always find its way into our lives , even if we don’t initiate it ourselves .

Love

Brenda 

The third quarter

 I was never  good at giving up on things no matter the obstacle or harsh realities  nor taking advise from people who allow fear to rule their lives, I always find a way of pushing forward , believing , trusting in the spirit guides that they will work in my favour & that’s always been my thing .

Being in the present & enjoying the fruits of my hard work has been the hardest thing to do, as  I always get sad & worried about this & that but this third quarter in my life has taught me a few good lessons & bad ones which I took in like a sucker punch to the stomach .

What I know for sure is that if you speak life into your life, the spirit guides will do as you wish and provide you with the confidence you need to withstand anything that will come your way. The beauty of trusting in your own vision is that no one can change that for you unless you allow them to tint & down grade that vision 

A man whom I don’t respect told me three weeks back that I am naïve , little did he know that his words  just like him MEAN nothing to me nor does he understand who I am . There is a lot of self power we hold in our selves yet most times fail to exercise that power, I exercised that power and what I realised was that if you stand tall, speak your truth most people will not like you so much but then again I never really cared much about being liked hence I only have a handful of close friends.

 

What I know for sure is that sometimes things that are shiny & pretty on the outside, they are not pretty on the inside nor insightful enough to make you a better person. I have learned that through my bad relationships with men, through my relationships with women I thought were my friends but actually were secretively wishing that I would fail & through a terrible work environment.

 

This third quarter of my life has been a spiritual journey that has brought me to my knees & closer to god in a way that I cannot explain  but can only acknowledge him as my best friend &  my everything . We all crave different things in this life but mostly we all just want to be loved, acknowledged & appreciated   

 

This third quarter has been the most slowest quarter race of my life but then again it’s my own race & I can run as slow as I want , stop for some water , do a bit of sightseeing , indulge in new cultures , chill a bit then continue with the race J.

What I know for sure is that self growth is important & being in a good environment with people you actually like is good for the soul.

 

Do you best & happy youth month!!!

Love

Brenda.