Silliness

The silliness of this need is unberable, I miss calling you by your name , irritating you and getting on your nurves till you call me crazy , the warmth of your big arms, it’s all in the silliness of how I felt connected to you,the small gestures ,the weired conversations  that were one sided then turn into a full blown miscommunication ,the butterfly’s that would fly in my stomach when i would stare at your picture, the genuine portrait my artist counterpart painted of you and me having our own alien world .It’s in the silliness of how much of me I saw in you and your walls were nothing but past hurt making you more scared of feeling your own emotions , coldness takes over so that no one can attempt to get closer to you , arrogance and your selfcentred nature kept you safe from the real world as beings like that are hard to get along with . Its all in the silliness of how much I understood you yet all you wanted was to just put me in a box and classify me according to your perception.

Pick a boo as you brought out the freaky side of me I never knew I had in a time when I felt alone, conflicted and had a lot of personal issues going wrong , you were my happy escape and I felt safe with you having your own skwatta camp in my heart without me agreeing to it. It’s all in the silliness of how I couldn’t play pretence with you , but needed you more than I led on , I still need you but my stubborn side and the realistic part of me knows that you could care less about how I feel nor acknowledging me as a person not some shallow cow you just had an experience with and moving on with your life as if nothing happened . Its all in the silliness of closing the chapter that I started by force without knowing I ll end up falling in love with you .Winter has a way of overstaying its visit in my life and I have a way of holding on to things that I know I should part with. I can’t blame nor hate you as I brought this on to myself and having a pity party wont help me either but saying it out loud to myself and excepting that I made another human error when it comes to your charactor , even though my heart doesn’t agree but I choose logic this time around so as to not dwell on something that has no substance.

It’s all in the silliness of how much you inspired me in a strange way and how I would all of sudden have this urge to want to share what was on my mind , what I loved with you, yet you had a way of making me feel like thin air and that hurt ,I guess it all comes from being shallow and not respecting women but only seeing them as disposable objects , being a loaded control freak does that to a lot of men and I guess you’re no exception to the rule. Its all in the silliness of how I allowed myself to get lost in a nun existent love juice, as your intelligence ,secretive, mysterious eyes, your gugu gaga way of seeing things was intriguing  to me and that attracted me to you even more , not knowing  that you only care about you, money and you.

It’s all in the silliness of missing you still and not knowing what to do with these feelings but the fact that you don’t give a shit , its reason enough to also not acknowledge you anymore and shut down the skwatta camp you have in my heart.

Love

SwitdifferentJ!!

FOOD FOR THOT – I HAVE COME TO REALIZE THAT

·         There’s certain things and moments in life which are so memorable that I will always carry with me.

·         Worrying will not change anything .

·         Practising the shag mate or lets just be friends with benefits thing is clearly!! not my cup of tea (as I have an old school mentality which is hard to shake off , blame it on my grandfather#)

·          Having close friends doesn’t always mean they will understand my level of thinking.

·         I need to trust my gut feeling more.

·         It’s okay to allow another being to shine,

·         Being childish and playful is good for the skin(don’t ask…!!)

·         I should challenge myself but not over work myself to the point where I have no social life nor time to be thankful and just be(as its important to make time for those who want to spent their time with you!)

·         I would love to see Rome & Jamaica before I die but I might die before I see it.

·         Extreme sport rocks J(ook second to a mini cooper#) , if I could I would sky dive everyday just nje …coz I could.

·         I can talk myself in and out of anything when I want to and can be aggressively quiet when I am hurt.

·         Its best to go with the flow only when it comes to trusting God.

·         Its best to stick to your own plans than to fall prey to empty promises.

·         Being honest is always best even when the person you love may not want to hear it or walks away.

·         The biggest critic i have to deal with daily is myself.

·         In life god never stops testing you so bring it on.

Dear God

Its been two weeks , my heart is still heavy with pain and hurt , if I could turn the clock I would but reality is I cant , I am left with the demons as it dawns on me that we live in the world were love is no longer practiced, were are a self obsessed people, no time to help the next person unless were are getting something in return or we are being recognised in some way, not compassionate at all ,don’t have time to be real with ourselves , its all about money and power and neglecting the little things and not acknowledging God ‘s presence in our lives .

Left with the demons that run deep in my veins, how can something like this happen to me but then again if it doesn’t happen to me who should it happen to??, the school of life is hard and blood is not thicker than water ,as I have come to learn that the very same people who are suppose to shelter you sometimes turn out to be the ones that hurt you the worst. The thing about pain is you can either be bitter from it or you can allow it to teach you to be more compassionate and less judgmental towards others. I am left with the demons as I struggle to digest the fact that my little brother killed himself, how frustrated, unloved and unimportant did he feel for him to do this to himself I question myself, fact is much as he had his own life choices I am still his sister and the pain I feel from this I cannot put into words nor explain it, I loved him but somehow his own demons overpowered him to feel unloved and unwanted.

Left with the demons as I try not to fall apart and lose my mind in grief ,yesterday I wept till I ran out of tears ,I wept till I could feel my body shake uncontrollably and I asked god what lesson am I suppose to learn from this ,as all I feel is guilt ,anger , confusion and I cant seem to grasp the reality of my circumstances , that’s why sometimes for me its better to shy away and not talk just write and somehow I ll find my peace and sense of calmness without being a burden to anyone ,as folks don’t like baggage and reality is there is no way around pain and loss of a loved one , there just isn’t.

Left with the demons as I sit alone in my room and pray for guidance ,faith and patience, I choose to not be my circumstances ,I choose to stand firm in your promise God though right at this moment I don’t understand and I am angry at you , but your all I have and  I trust that you know best, so I will rest in your arms no matter what.  

Amen.

Love – Switdifferent

Thank you guys for the love, support and kind words, i appreciated it very much it means alot through this difficult time. LOVE U BIG!!

Docs required  for completion of Income Tax  (current and previous years )

Ø  IRP5  as at Feb 2012 (and IT3(a)  that is if you received any)

Ø  Medical aid certificate  

Ø  Retirement Annuity Certificate

Ø  Log book , that is if you use your car for work purposes and receive a travelling allowance ( in that case we will need the Cost price of the car, registration and model of the car, also inform us when you bought it ,business km travelled, opening kilometres and closing kilometres)

Ø  Certificate of any interest earned from the bank your investing your money in be it in SA or abroad.

Ø  Any extra medical expenses which you might have incurred which are not covered by your medical aid.

Ø  If you own property we will need details of that as well ( e.g if you owned property during the year of assessment and sold it , we will need the full infor on how  much was the property and how much was it sold for in order to calculated Capital gains tax, ( with regards to this calculation is also important for you to inform us if your married in or out of community of property)

Ø  If you’re a Provisional tax payer you must let us know as well as the amounts you have paid must be deducted . 

For more infor contact details below. 

 

BRENDA MAHLANGU

Stone Tax & Accounting

Practitioner No.: PR-5D1F576

Tel : +27 11 472 0058/62/79

Fax : +27 11 472 0061

Cell :+27 763 767 892 (Brendapm@mweb.co.za)

Fax to e-mail : 0866 117 298

3 Goudvis Avenue; Florida North

Roodepoort; JHB; 1709

P O Box 244; Florida Hills; 1716

It …..

It lies within the coners of his eyes , the untold story, the fear that keeps him awake , the holding on to what could have been or mite have been , the desire that keeps him wanting more yet needing less from the spirit guides, can’t stand the idea of moving beyond where he is as his own expetations are too high to live up to , it lies within the coners of his yes …, as past ghosts stand firm by his bedside ……,

It was never his plan to be or live like this but I guess things happen .. he whispers to himself…in deep sorrow and regret , …this moment , is the one moment he decides to speak to his younger self as though he was making manse with his past mistakes , it lies within the coners of his eyes ..as he tries to remember the last time he cried n sobbed all at once …,men don’t cry …”that’s what he knew as a boy den , …but as off this moment emotions are running high within him , as he says to his younger self , m sorry .., I am sorry I was never kind to you , never respected your true wishes ,pretended to be something am not just so I could be excepted by my peers., never respected the women that truelly loved me and tried to be there for me, m sorry I sold myself short when I could have spoken my thots and made them known irrespective .., I am  sorry for never taking your advice Dad and being difficult for no reason , m sorry for not being de man you wanted Mom …, mostly m sorry for not being truthful to me…, it lies within the coners of his eyes…

He takes a breathe as if he will never breathe again, overwhelmed by what he had finally sad to himself .., …the sadness , stress, tension , expetations that seems all too heavy on his heart , all seemed to have disappeared , it lies within the coners of his eyes , as he realises  that sometimes not everything will go according to plan and as hard it may be to be a black man , its okay to not know how things will turn out , but he must let go and allow himself to be and florish beyond what the physical eye can see.., …n trust himself enough to stand the wind , …..it lies within the coners of his eyes …..’

To my brother - Tsitsana

Switdifferent!!

This weekend was going to be about me celebrating my birthday , little did I know I would be crying my eyes out and feeling like a dead woman walking , I don’t know how many bad things does one have to go through in life until calmness and happiness presents itself. The guilt, hurt , confusion , anger and emptiness seem to be one with my soul at this moment in time and I feel like I am reliving a nightmare all over again . My little brother has passed …..even saying it sounds unreal but this is as real as it gets and there’s no way around it but deal with it.

Young , beautiful spirit , sooo sooo Smart, stubborn and witty , yet I guess he couldn’t take the hardships that life and our circumstances brought, I have no words but there only thing I can hold on to now is god and trust that he has a bigger plan , I just wish he could tell me what the fucken plan is at this moment.

Hope you are at peace Tsitsi !!, I will carry your spirit with me forever you can count on that bro!!

& HAPPY BDAY TO ME :-(