To my GJ

 Soooo 2014 started and I had to digest the whole travelling to Pretoria thing, which was awkward at the beginning but turned out to be great in a way , as somehow I had to face a few unsettling demons , mend friendships and start new ones .

The worst was actually realising that I can be  heartless/rude when pushed  or rubbed the wrong way and that I can be seriously vulnerable ( which I hate as that to me it’s a moment of weakness which some assholes must never see, but this is not about that ..  so moving on  ) . In the mist of all this I also had a moment of sadness and a sense of loss  ( more like a big whole in my heart), as I always make it a point to reflect on my life and see if there is any progress or I am just circling around  the same place , I get bored quickly and loose interest very fast , so to keep myself awake an interested I figured I dig deep and challenge myself to bigger conquests  and see if God will help me through .

I always say that god has a weird sense of humour and that is not a joke !!, like literally , I would high five him every day for the way he has carried me through life , through hardships , through rejection , through breakthroughs  and heartbreaks, to me there is no better friendship I would rather have ,  yes I am a hip hop head , I curse aloooooot  ( not well mannered )and can be gugu gaga most times  but that doesn’t mean I am not spiritual or religious .  

There are many connections we make in this life , some are forever, some we miss and some we  misread , some connections are just plain disconnections , some are just a spare of a moment thing , some  will remain forever priceless and plain hilarious . The fact is as a passionate being I made a lot of mistakes this year but luckily I always prefer the truth , hurtful and unbearable as it is , I always prefer the truth  and god made sure that I practiced what I preached ( like damit…flipin hell moment!!) . The best though was being welcomed in the de Sousa household , I will never forget that and it  was just priceless and it felt good to have a friend who got me when I needed help the most ( I will never forget that Mbali) and I must say I have two Portuguese brothers now which I love J.  

New chapter in my life which had me smiling and just lost for words but also leaving me very exhausted and still recovering , but I wouldn’t change anything and its true what they say that if you allow god into your heart he truly can make your dreams come true and be your mother , your father and your best friend . I hate the holidays but this year I am looking forward to cooking  for my grandmother while she is still alive, a few road trips with Simon and Mo , good laughs  with B and her new baby , finish reading a few books, decorating my home and having a few chilled hip hop sessions with crazy spirits and maybe jumping off something …will see J .

As I am listening  to Sam Smith ‘s album and writing this and trying not to cry as I have never felt such joy and sadness at the same damn time its ridiculous , I have to say that 2014 has been very weird , emotionally rocky , challenging , financially draining, full of blessings , eye  opening ( i.e excepting that I too can be very…… very wrong at times and that’s ok ) , fell in love and very quickly fell out of love,  had my ego smashed to the wall , but picked it up and kept moving , realised that I deserve much better and will keep working towards that , lastly I now know that he never left me , he was always there , through it  all.

 I love you GOD you might not be cool but you’re the best to me..( just to put it out there..)

Love

Brenda Mahlangu

 

 

 

Pretend.

Can we pretend
That everything is like yesterday
What if I just wanna feel you touching me?
Ain't nobody perfect
So if you take a while to make it worth it
I wanna pretend
Let's pretend that we 'bout to break up
To catch the feelings that I when we make up
Legs up, suicide, north side
We never count points when we courtside

Let's pretend I ain't your friend
So we can get it on again
Let's pretend we never met
A good excuse to play forget
Let's pretend you never lied
So I can give it up all night
Swallow my pride, and learn to forgive
When I'm looking for love I pretend
It's you
A love that never ends
I pretend it's you
That I'm in love with

If we pretend that I'm happy when I'm really not
Pretend that I give you everything I've got
Pretend that I'm there when I ain't there
Pretend that I care when I don't care
Once upon a time, I did
Now I admit that I was fucking with a kid
Now I pretend that everything's straight
When everything ex covered up like pain

Let's pretend it's my first time
So you can really blow my mind
Let's pretend we never met
A good excuse to play forget
Let's pretend you never lied
So I can give it up all night
Swallow my pride, and learn to forgive
When I'm looking for love I pretend
It's you
A love that never ends
I pretend it's you
That I'm in love with

 

Tinashe ( Awesome trackJ)

Individualism

I still recall how supportive my grandfather was to me as a child and teenager, needless to say that he always made me feel like I really can do whatever I want even with limited opportunities  . We were not poor nor rich  just had enough to get by,  boy do I miss his love and presence in my life as a woman now , as I think he believed in me more back then than I realised .  

 I went to the Joburg  Arts alive last week , complements of my  cuzzo Nathi  , who was gracious enough to invite me  as he knows I love these sort of events , anyway  AWESOME performances , AWESOME poetry ,  all in all it was an amazing event .  While at the event I had an epiphany  as Lebo Mashile was doing her thing on stage and dropped this line “ its hard being a woman with tits in Joburg “ and I couldn’t help but press a rewind button in my mind  and fast forward to now … and my future .

It is hard being an individual and a woman  anywhere  I think ,  the fact that no matter how much   you achieve as a woman , old folks still think that the highest level / success a  woman can attain is to get married  and have kids , I totally disagree with that notion which also made me think if I had a little sister or  god daughter what I would tell her would  be the direct opposite of what my grandmother and her sisters told my mom and her cousins .

Life really is an interesting journey , a journey that will test you , make you cry sooo hard , hate the thought of living , love sooo hard , loose love, learn and amaze yourself , fail sometimes and conquer when god sees fit .  All individuals go through this shit , some at an early age and some at a later stage …as  they say "there’s no guarantee in this life" , but back to the point that I wanted to make , that is young girls and women are fed wrong perceptions about life and their own capabilities ,  I will be  the first to admit that yes there  are certain things which I strongly believe that men should do and women shouldn’t ..e.g  ..changing a car tyre ( that’s a man’s  job  and I am totally fine with admitting that aloud, so moving on… ) ,  minus that  though a woman is unfairly judged if she points out that she does not want kids nor has  any intentions of getting married , instead she would like to explore life , push her career and  travel as  she sees  fit  and just be.. , if a man was  to say the very same thing , he would be envied by a lot of men  ( e.g  the same men who worship George Clooney  for his unstable love life and the traditionalists who want to have ten wives ...I could go on really  )

Times have changed but mentalities have not and I am  proud that I was raised by a strong  Ndebele man ,my grandfather Lucas Mavula Mahlangu , who empowered me to trust myself , believe in myself, do what I want ,never apologise for my life choices , not depend on any man for anything that I can do myself , fear god  and always remember to be grateful . My grandfather played the most important role any man can ever play in my life and I learned from him that self love you practice its not a moment thing that you just say but don’t do , it pains me to see  how all women are painted as gold diggers , who are after a comfortable life but don’t want to do shit , not all women are like that , I have been around strong women , women who handle shit  and handle crises like no  other man can.   

We all individuals with different capabilities but the point is we are all capable and strong enough to carry ourselves   through  life and achieve our life goals  (man or woman ) . The one thing that I have come to realise is that most men think all women  are naïve when it comes  to love , if they pull the I am in love with you card all will work itself out , "speaking for myself " comfort  and security (that I can provide for myself )come first , love  comes second as fact of the matter is love does not pay the bills  and that’s a fucken fact in my opinion!!!

I wish young  girls would stop being so dependent on the idea of  a perfect relationships and  a perfect marriage  as there is no such in this life , all things succeed based on how committed and hard working  the individuals  involved are period .

 I have learned that the more you choose to rely on yourself for things, the easier it is to let go of people who don’t shit for you anyway .

 

Love

Brenda

Food for ......

 

 

I think it’s safe to say that anybody who has watched the movie “Horrible bosses” would agree with me when I say that movie was  super  funny , super sarcastic , well written and all round awesome cast , why  am I saying this , at some point in our lives we all have been around spirits that just rub us  the wrong way  or  are morally not equivalent to our own morals nor life values , basically you just cannot stand them but are kind of  forced to acknowledge them at some level .

 

Human beings are very interesting if everybody actually took the time and studied themselves   they would realise that you learn more and more about yourself every day and sometimes through others. Thing is if you’re not fully content with where you are in life , chances are you will not be able to commit to anything because you haven’t figured out your  place in life nor met your own life plan .

 

Sometimes we tend to forget that shit happens while we busy planning and nothing in life is guaranteed nor lasts, you can get fired, your business can close up and a perfect marriage can turn out to be a horrible marriage, you can just die from a heart attack …ect ….,all these things can happen because spiritually speaking we are not in control and  tend to forget how the universe works .

 

At some point in our own lives we all crave to be connected to something  or someone ,make money, give back  or just be acknowledged for something ( my little theory is everybody wishes to be a celebrity even if they will not admit  it  J …)  . Life has no manual nor does losing a love one but I strongly believe that we  are all “work in progress” , I can pin point my flaws and they ‘ll probably be a lot , instead though I choose to work on them  and keep it moving .

 

I learned a priceless lesson this week that is sometimes an idea you might have about something or someone can just be that an idea and very far from the truth or reality  and  speaking as a woman I know we tend to get lost in our dreams , high expectations  and standards that sometimes get us nowhere or somewhere if the universe agrees .

 

I have come to appreciate the fact that I am not scared of making hard decisions even if I end up being the one hurt the worst, I also will not apologise nor feel guilty about my life nor the direction its taking and not to get all biblical but god’s grace has brought me this far and his presence in my life is beyond any wording I can think of right now.

 

You cannot blame anybody for the choices you make in your life nor can you isolate yourself from the world just because you are going through staff , ….just deal with this shit , the only way forward is to just deal with this shit ngenkani  and as my favourite poet would say “ when you know better , you do better “ .

 

Love

Brenda .     

I pulled my heart out of my chest

 

Bells in my head go off , my stomach feels peeved , dry as if starvation invaded it a month ago , I pulled my heart out of my chest as reality hit my mind more than I could handle  , I fell in love all over again , opened up a door  I thought was closed . I pulled my heart out of my chest as the waters of my being glowed inside me with  bliss and I felt like a tree shaped upside down , my insides burning before my spiritual eyes , I pulled my heart out of my chest ,as my emotions had a pity party.

 

I pulled my heart out of my chest , as I uncontrollably gave my heart away to  a spirit who gave his heart  and full being  to another spirit, I pulled my heart out of my chest as my efforts seemed pointless , my love  never  felt  strong enough to rebuild what has been broken , my sacred place ….the place I had in his heart had been tarnished and brutally smashed by the harsh realities of life , love and misleading words . I pulled my heart out of my chest as I watched the love of my life doubt his feelings for me.

 

I pulled my heart out of my chest  as yet again I am at war with time and past hurts I cannot wipe clean, the promises made never kept ,the feeling unworthy , the fear that breathes within one’s mentality, the misinterpretation of words that never seem to come out right, the emotional connection that distance only strengthens , I pulled my heart out of my chest  as I repeatedly replay  how different  things could have been  had  I knew you first , kissed you first, indulged first ,giggled with you first , planned with you first , I pulled my heart out of my chest as the pain overpowers my body  and I loose site of the present  .

 

I pulled my heart out of my chest, as I am searching for tears within my broken hope and wishful thinking, I knew , from the first time we met, I knew but shied away from the love connection ,damn how I was on some high…, I pulled my heart out of my chest  as I realise that being in love and showing love are two different things , that compromise is always the glue  and mistakes should be forgiven . I pulled my heart out of my chest as I lost sight of you.

 

I pulled my heart out of my chest ,as  it dawned on me that you cannot always have what you want  but sometimes it’s good to have what you need  even if it doesn’t  make any logical sense to the heart.

I pulled my heart out of my chest as I  realised that I was  just an experience to you.

I ll put  the pieces of my heart back together as I finally  got an answer to my childlike bittersweet fairy tale love story.

 

Word

Brenda.

 

 

 

 

 

Pretence is a killer

 I have always pride myself of being blunt and straight forward but I realised in the past few months that I had to hold back on my bluntness as not everybody can handle the truth well , instead they prefer to hide in pretence and in their delusional ideas of people or situations . Pretence is a killer as it allows you to be in denial  about the real situation that your faced with  and more lies build up because if the folks you love really knew the truth ,you know they will advise you differently but the need of wanting to be right sometimes is greater than the need to be truthful .

Pretence is a killer  and I  fail dismally when it comes to pretending , I would rather keep my distant from a spirit than act around them , I find it unnecessary and time consuming , actually just a waist of my time  to be honest . The change stages , finding new friends , letting go of the old , starting new relations , family  drama  or being excepted in a new family ,starting a home with someone or on your own , being promoted at work… ect…, all these things are stressful and have different effects ,they can either be good or just damn suffocating , it all depends on who you are and what you want in that particular stage.

I have had the pleasure of knowing one good spirit in the past two years and what I have learned from this old man ( .i.e directly and indirectly ) its priceless really and when the time came of having to say goodbye , I found myself all emotional and sad but appreciative of what I have learned from him , time spent and all the crazy funny, knowledgeable  moments we have shared . Pretence is a killer and change hurts a little bit sometimes, nobody ever says that as damnit if you cannot handle change it means your rigid and  that’s bullshit!! ….., we different and I know I have made some bad choices , choices which don’t go hand in hand with my believes all in the name of living in the moment , then finding myself in shit afterwards and having to take responsibility and keep it moving , my point is change is hard and it will not kill you to own that at some point in your life as appose to pretending that all is good and well .

The thing about pretence is that if you do it too often you ll be able to lie religiously and when your that far gone you will not know the difference anymore, at some stage we’ve all been lied to, I mean I ‘ve had folks lie to my face with a straight face ….( and  I learned to not believe what anybody says to me at face value because chances are they might be lying …. Jah that’s just me though… ) .

I say if you are able to dish out the truth with no sugar coding, also be able to receive the same when the tables are turned. Pretence is a killer and folks care way too much about being excepted and liked instead of being who they really are and  voice out what they prefer in life and expect  from their friends , loved ones and co- workers .

I have learned enough harsh lessons to know that it really doesn’t cost a damn thing to own who you are  and to always speak your truth without any pretence , then you will know the real folks who are supposed to be in your life .

 

Love

Switdifferent .

 

 

 

 

Priceless lessons   

 

The year began , honestly I had no plans of doing anything bigger or greater other than just make sure that I  travel more, try new things when I have time  and move forward with my personal plans , as always God likes to just interrupt when he feels like it ( which I have come to except and appreciate )

There’ this song called “all I want” by the Kodaline , the first time I heard this track my heart just went all soft on me and I found myself crying , I am not sure if it was the video or the words to the song , in short the song just conveys the message of true love , bear in mind that I heard the track sometime last year .

Fast forward this past Friday was supposed to go to some Art Gallery  in  Jo’burg but somehow that didn’t happen and I missed the whole thing, so  I ended up going to see a movie with a friend of mine . The movie was called  “the fault in our stars “ , ooh my word !!, like I am teary just thinking about that movie , anyway the Kodaline track is one of the soundtrack to the movie and  I was taken aback hearing the song again being played in this heart felt film I was watching.

The fault in our stars is a film based on a true story , in short you have these two teens who fall so deep in love with each other while in the mist of facing death ( cancer ) but somehow find it in their hearts to appreciate the little things and the limited time they have in this world . The story line is excellent in such a way that the two charactors do justice in portraying what  living with cancer is really like and what it can do to one spirit .

The most priceless thing I took away from watching this film was that we take our good health for granted   and constantly fail to love , acknowledge and appreciate the people who are in our lives. When good blesses us with love , for some strange reason we always find reasons as to why it will not work or cannot work , or how busy we are and just don’t need stress in our lives , when the truth of the matter is we are even more miserable in our busyness  of chasing money and status , thus something new feels so uncomfortable that it seems normal to push it away .

I maybe old fashion, which might be the reason why this film touched me so much , but there’s no greater achievement than experiencing true love  and I don’t mean the “what do you have ?? or what can you give me kinda love “, I am talking real love, genuine love  that fills you up , makes you want to be a better person and give more of yourself without expecting . The kind of love that only god can bring into your life and also take away when the time is fitting , the kind of love that forces you to forgive when your being wronged and learn to appreciate another being fully without wanting them to change who they are .

Priceless lesson learned was that, not all of us will experience true love as there are way to many distractions in this world, but if we choose not to be distracted, we all have that chance of experiencing it at some point .

Its been too long since I’ve watched a movie that had this effect on me , it just made me question my attitude towards  my life , relationships  and friendships . We all students in this life , all of us have something to offer , share , teach and all of us at some point we will die , so it’s a must to make our mark , it doesn’t matter how small it is , in gods eyes it will be seen and appreciated .

Love heals all things  and pain needs to be felt  .

 

Switdifferent .