I am still here

I woke up to a bad  dream with a heavy heart , staring at the woman who was shaped like a tree faced upside down , looking at me as if I had disappointed her , misplaced her kid , killed a dream and choked the life out of the little good she ever had inside her , I am still here as I am confronted with my biggest fear,… failing to keep your promise, your brothers have made it their mission to crash any glim I might have of the future , being cast out , rejected like a dog , ignored as if my being was a big mistake to the perfect clan that I didn’t belong to ,I am still here and this dream feels all so real as I run of tears which block the pain that’s in between my lungs, I scream out loud as I try to run away from this woman who seems to want to teach me a thing or two about life yet my feet cannot seem to carry my body and I fall down to no ground and still see this woman.

That was my first truth , I gasp trying to breathe and hopefully wake up from this dream but this woman refuses to let me go and my soul peacefully excepts my fate, his now staring at me with shame, like he wants to say something to comfort me but she gets more angry as he tries to reach me .I am sorry he says  as his eyes are all teary with blood , for what I ask??, I am sorry for not being strong enough , for making grandma cry , for being the opposite of what I was taught to be by grandpa, for putting up an act so as to avoid this hurt and not disappoint you , I am sorry for lying and deceiving all the people that loved me especially you, for hiding behind our circumstances when you didn’t ,for letting myself down and giving into temptation by smoking this devil that eventually led to my death , I am sorry for not believing in myself and what you wanted me to learn and see, that the world is full of opportunities no matter where you come from , I am sorry sis I am sorry I left the way that I did, I couldn’t take the pain nor deal with it anymore and I say this not expecting you to understand but just saying my truth to you. I am still here looking at him bleed and this woman getting more peeved  at me as if I don’t deserve to hear those words coming out of him .

When it rains it pores they say ,I am drawning in this nun existant rain that seems to be hitting my skin like wild fires , don’t think about it.., it will pass …, it will make you strong they say ,there’s a lesson in every challenge , I am sorry …..,then life goes on …., but life doesn’t go on for me , this shit is my reality , I close my eyes and I see him , I am still here and i don’t understand why , she pulls me closer , I go blind but can still see it as if it happened yesterday,  nun of this is hallucination nor fiction it’s as real as it gets , its my truth ,my life story and a part of my history yet I still cant swallow fully the left overs of this story. I am still here, she’s now in front of me looking at me as if she’s taking a pick at my soul and doesn’t like what she sees , you burned my reflection, failed dismally at being a sister , I asked you to look out for him yet you put yourself first and he lost his way , Its not my ….fault …..its not my fault…,’’I am not done sharing my truth”, I will burn you …and you will be more remorseful than you are now …,its not my fault …its not my fault mom …….

My last truth , I am still here and I don’t know why , no one knows this weight of pain l carry yet they understand , friends keep their distance and they don’t know how much I need them right at this moment, but I am not a priority nor expect to be …,.as I am a ticking boom waiting to explode , question is when ??....when I don’t feel anything anymore …nor feel motivated to be me after having to live through this….like I said this is nor fiction but my life. I am still here as I scream out my brother’s name in vain, gutted by this horrible motion sitting in my throat but will not come out, as I mumble in my misery this woman fades away and I realise that my eyes have been opened this whole time and she was here and he was here with her as well.

I am still here , facing me in the mirror ,though broken and shattered , everything I love taken from me, …….i trust in the unknown , I will walk in faith  not knowing what’s to come but excepting what is your will God. I am still here.

Love –SwitdifferentL

Silliness

The silliness of this need is unberable, I miss calling you by your name , irritating you and getting on your nurves till you call me crazy , the warmth of your big arms, it’s all in the silliness of how I felt connected to you,the small gestures ,the weired conversations  that were one sided then turn into a full blown miscommunication ,the butterfly’s that would fly in my stomach when i would stare at your picture, the genuine portrait my artist counterpart painted of you and me having our own alien world .It’s in the silliness of how much of me I saw in you and your walls were nothing but past hurt making you more scared of feeling your own emotions , coldness takes over so that no one can attempt to get closer to you , arrogance and your selfcentred nature kept you safe from the real world as beings like that are hard to get along with . Its all in the silliness of how much I understood you yet all you wanted was to just put me in a box and classify me according to your perception.

Pick a boo as you brought out the freaky side of me I never knew I had in a time when I felt alone, conflicted and had a lot of personal issues going wrong , you were my happy escape and I felt safe with you having your own skwatta camp in my heart without me agreeing to it. It’s all in the silliness of how I couldn’t play pretence with you , but needed you more than I led on , I still need you but my stubborn side and the realistic part of me knows that you could care less about how I feel nor acknowledging me as a person not some shallow cow you just had an experience with and moving on with your life as if nothing happened . Its all in the silliness of closing the chapter that I started by force without knowing I ll end up falling in love with you .Winter has a way of overstaying its visit in my life and I have a way of holding on to things that I know I should part with. I can’t blame nor hate you as I brought this on to myself and having a pity party wont help me either but saying it out loud to myself and excepting that I made another human error when it comes to your charactor , even though my heart doesn’t agree but I choose logic this time around so as to not dwell on something that has no substance.

It’s all in the silliness of how much you inspired me in a strange way and how I would all of sudden have this urge to want to share what was on my mind , what I loved with you, yet you had a way of making me feel like thin air and that hurt ,I guess it all comes from being shallow and not respecting women but only seeing them as disposable objects , being a loaded control freak does that to a lot of men and I guess you’re no exception to the rule. Its all in the silliness of how I allowed myself to get lost in a nun existent love juice, as your intelligence ,secretive, mysterious eyes, your gugu gaga way of seeing things was intriguing  to me and that attracted me to you even more , not knowing  that you only care about you, money and you.

It’s all in the silliness of missing you still and not knowing what to do with these feelings but the fact that you don’t give a shit , its reason enough to also not acknowledge you anymore and shut down the skwatta camp you have in my heart.

Love

SwitdifferentJ!!

FOOD FOR THOT – I HAVE COME TO REALIZE THAT

·         There’s certain things and moments in life which are so memorable that I will always carry with me.

·         Worrying will not change anything .

·         Practising the shag mate or lets just be friends with benefits thing is clearly!! not my cup of tea (as I have an old school mentality which is hard to shake off , blame it on my grandfather#)

·          Having close friends doesn’t always mean they will understand my level of thinking.

·         I need to trust my gut feeling more.

·         It’s okay to allow another being to shine,

·         Being childish and playful is good for the skin(don’t ask…!!)

·         I should challenge myself but not over work myself to the point where I have no social life nor time to be thankful and just be(as its important to make time for those who want to spent their time with you!)

·         I would love to see Rome & Jamaica before I die but I might die before I see it.

·         Extreme sport rocks J(ook second to a mini cooper#) , if I could I would sky dive everyday just nje …coz I could.

·         I can talk myself in and out of anything when I want to and can be aggressively quiet when I am hurt.

·         Its best to go with the flow only when it comes to trusting God.

·         Its best to stick to your own plans than to fall prey to empty promises.

·         Being honest is always best even when the person you love may not want to hear it or walks away.

·         The biggest critic i have to deal with daily is myself.

·         In life god never stops testing you so bring it on.

Dear God

Its been two weeks , my heart is still heavy with pain and hurt , if I could turn the clock I would but reality is I cant , I am left with the demons as it dawns on me that we live in the world were love is no longer practiced, were are a self obsessed people, no time to help the next person unless were are getting something in return or we are being recognised in some way, not compassionate at all ,don’t have time to be real with ourselves , its all about money and power and neglecting the little things and not acknowledging God ‘s presence in our lives .

Left with the demons that run deep in my veins, how can something like this happen to me but then again if it doesn’t happen to me who should it happen to??, the school of life is hard and blood is not thicker than water ,as I have come to learn that the very same people who are suppose to shelter you sometimes turn out to be the ones that hurt you the worst. The thing about pain is you can either be bitter from it or you can allow it to teach you to be more compassionate and less judgmental towards others. I am left with the demons as I struggle to digest the fact that my little brother killed himself, how frustrated, unloved and unimportant did he feel for him to do this to himself I question myself, fact is much as he had his own life choices I am still his sister and the pain I feel from this I cannot put into words nor explain it, I loved him but somehow his own demons overpowered him to feel unloved and unwanted.

Left with the demons as I try not to fall apart and lose my mind in grief ,yesterday I wept till I ran out of tears ,I wept till I could feel my body shake uncontrollably and I asked god what lesson am I suppose to learn from this ,as all I feel is guilt ,anger , confusion and I cant seem to grasp the reality of my circumstances , that’s why sometimes for me its better to shy away and not talk just write and somehow I ll find my peace and sense of calmness without being a burden to anyone ,as folks don’t like baggage and reality is there is no way around pain and loss of a loved one , there just isn’t.

Left with the demons as I sit alone in my room and pray for guidance ,faith and patience, I choose to not be my circumstances ,I choose to stand firm in your promise God though right at this moment I don’t understand and I am angry at you , but your all I have and  I trust that you know best, so I will rest in your arms no matter what.  

Amen.

Love – Switdifferent

Thank you guys for the love, support and kind words, i appreciated it very much it means alot through this difficult time. LOVE U BIG!!

Docs required  for completion of Income Tax  (current and previous years )

Ø  IRP5  as at Feb 2012 (and IT3(a)  that is if you received any)

Ø  Medical aid certificate  

Ø  Retirement Annuity Certificate

Ø  Log book , that is if you use your car for work purposes and receive a travelling allowance ( in that case we will need the Cost price of the car, registration and model of the car, also inform us when you bought it ,business km travelled, opening kilometres and closing kilometres)

Ø  Certificate of any interest earned from the bank your investing your money in be it in SA or abroad.

Ø  Any extra medical expenses which you might have incurred which are not covered by your medical aid.

Ø  If you own property we will need details of that as well ( e.g if you owned property during the year of assessment and sold it , we will need the full infor on how  much was the property and how much was it sold for in order to calculated Capital gains tax, ( with regards to this calculation is also important for you to inform us if your married in or out of community of property)

Ø  If you’re a Provisional tax payer you must let us know as well as the amounts you have paid must be deducted . 

For more infor contact details below. 

 

BRENDA MAHLANGU

Stone Tax & Accounting

Practitioner No.: PR-5D1F576

Tel : +27 11 472 0058/62/79

Fax : +27 11 472 0061

Cell :+27 763 767 892 (Brendapm@mweb.co.za)

Fax to e-mail : 0866 117 298

3 Goudvis Avenue; Florida North

Roodepoort; JHB; 1709

P O Box 244; Florida Hills; 1716

It …..

It lies within the coners of his eyes , the untold story, the fear that keeps him awake , the holding on to what could have been or mite have been , the desire that keeps him wanting more yet needing less from the spirit guides, can’t stand the idea of moving beyond where he is as his own expetations are too high to live up to , it lies within the coners of his yes …, as past ghosts stand firm by his bedside ……,

It was never his plan to be or live like this but I guess things happen .. he whispers to himself…in deep sorrow and regret , …this moment , is the one moment he decides to speak to his younger self as though he was making manse with his past mistakes , it lies within the coners of his eyes ..as he tries to remember the last time he cried n sobbed all at once …,men don’t cry …”that’s what he knew as a boy den , …but as off this moment emotions are running high within him , as he says to his younger self , m sorry .., I am sorry I was never kind to you , never respected your true wishes ,pretended to be something am not just so I could be excepted by my peers., never respected the women that truelly loved me and tried to be there for me, m sorry I sold myself short when I could have spoken my thots and made them known irrespective .., I am  sorry for never taking your advice Dad and being difficult for no reason , m sorry for not being de man you wanted Mom …, mostly m sorry for not being truthful to me…, it lies within the coners of his eyes…

He takes a breathe as if he will never breathe again, overwhelmed by what he had finally sad to himself .., …the sadness , stress, tension , expetations that seems all too heavy on his heart , all seemed to have disappeared , it lies within the coners of his eyes , as he realises  that sometimes not everything will go according to plan and as hard it may be to be a black man , its okay to not know how things will turn out , but he must let go and allow himself to be and florish beyond what the physical eye can see.., …n trust himself enough to stand the wind , …..it lies within the coners of his eyes …..’

To my brother - Tsitsana

Switdifferent!!

This weekend was going to be about me celebrating my birthday , little did I know I would be crying my eyes out and feeling like a dead woman walking , I don’t know how many bad things does one have to go through in life until calmness and happiness presents itself. The guilt, hurt , confusion , anger and emptiness seem to be one with my soul at this moment in time and I feel like I am reliving a nightmare all over again . My little brother has passed …..even saying it sounds unreal but this is as real as it gets and there’s no way around it but deal with it.

Young , beautiful spirit , sooo sooo Smart, stubborn and witty , yet I guess he couldn’t take the hardships that life and our circumstances brought, I have no words but there only thing I can hold on to now is god and trust that he has a bigger plan , I just wish he could tell me what the fucken plan is at this moment.

Hope you are at peace Tsitsi !!, I will carry your spirit with me forever you can count on that bro!!

& HAPPY BDAY TO ME :-(

The tree!!

How do I stop myself from craving you , needing u n wanting you like this , obsessed my friend says bt I cld care less about wat she thinks of my deep yerning of you , you got me thinking about your tree…everytime you come around, I visit heaven bliss for a minute even though I don’t knw what heaven bliss looks or taste like , bt I bet its  like this ..this …me n & you bliss…how do I stop myself from losing control of my emotions, in  I breathe n out as you place n press your hand on my hand like ur unifying me into you, mmmm…I sign as you introduce your tree into my temple , ….this is beyond the definition of words …,…you move like a snake as you make your way down to my closed doors , touching n kissing me slowly as I mumble your name in pure bliss …, I have never said OOHH shit soo much in my life …,n mean it in a good way,

How do I stop myself from feeling like a kid who throws a fit if she cant get what she wants , I want you n there’s no second guessing about that …, you make me melt in my own flesh as you put your hands around my waist n push me back n forward into your tree…, that big strong tree that seems to make me forget about everything and want you more n more ….., our connection it’s a beautiful surprise to our lost souls , as it makes us belong …..to this me & you, damn ….i thot I was a feminist until you introduced me to your tree ….,its like my secret addiction as i feel renewed as we tongue talk n embrace each ada  in our natural clothes , how do I stop myself from thinking about u and how we washed each adas sins  away with our eye conversation ….,

How do i stop myself from craving you  and  needing you like this ….as I feel like a junky who just needs that one puff of pot n they ll be good to go …, you put me on another zone and  I have got u cross questioning ur life plans , as nun of us planned for this to get this far ….yet we find ourselves drawn to each ada like magnets , you call out my name as I norish your tree with my lips …n weaken your defences  and your walls come crashing down ….as you realise that every soul is different ….and I have every intention of sticking around ….n build this …this you n me bliss, …..bt little did I know you would sing a different tune’,

Bittersweet  ….., as this whole thing now feels like pleasure and  pain bottled up in one motion , as the wind changes direction in your mind and your true colours over shadow this me & you….bliss , how do I stop myself from needing and wanting you in my life as I ve gotten fond of the tree ,… , I wish reality could have stayed away a little bit longer ….., or I could hv woken up from my dream but you were so good with your hands, n I guess I indulged way too much…, the question still stands how do I stop myself from  wanting you ….when every bone in me still yerns for you,…., you hold me close to ur chest for one last time as we both know that we will never c each ada again …,I hv no tears as I knew dis would end like this…’…but I secretly smile to myself as i think about the tree…., damn…

love - Switdifferent

I value your presence…

The day you blessed me with your presence you awoke the dead part of me which was dying to be relinquished from a shell, you might have not realised it but I knew from the moment we locked thoughts that you’re the one I want to conquer life and the world with. I value your presence as you see the best in me when i feel the worst, you erase any fears I have about the future as your optimistic nature gels well with my practical-realistic side, you are not my other half but the man God choose for me, the one who is not perfect but human and tries by all means to put a smile on my face and makes time to connect with me.

I value your presence as you are not afraid to let me shine and be strong in my own right, to speak my mind without judgement and to act crazy like a psychotic patient. I love the way you hold me, the way you pick me up when you hug me and the way you kiss my forehead when you leave for work, it’s the little things that you do for me that make me value your presence more.

We are complete opposites and come from different worlds but somehow our connection runs deeper than we understand and I know underneath all that stubbornness, coldness and self-centredness is a kind, sweet, sensitive man that also appreciates the little things and wants to be loved, strangely enough you have exposed that side of yourself to me which makes me value your presence even more.

Last thought when I go to bed is you and first thought when I wake up is you, to say I love you would not be enough of an expression of how I feel about you, The funny thing is as different as we are, common ground is the fact that were both gugu-gaga beings, equally ambitious, control freaks and stand true to what we both believe in as individuals.

I value your presence and if there was ever any doubt in your mind about us, let it rest as my heart decided long before my mind that you should be with me.

Love -Switdifferent

To: Pinklolo & P (wish you guys all the best!!!J)

Simple tax terms

• IRP5/IT3(a) - its a employees Tax Certificate
• ITR12 - Income tax return for individuals
• PIT - Personal income tax
• Medical tax credit - is the tax rebate set out in section 6Aof the act , i.e it will be avail to tax payers who belong to a medical scheme and are below 65yrs..( full details SARS website)

To her.

I have never been the type to give up or except that something is not ment for me as my mom would always say that if you never push yourself to be the best, to attain the best , to be the best of friend to those you treasure their friendship, you will always have to settle for average  and  i never could  really make sense of that word till today. When you grow up surrounded by negative people and uncles who tell you that you will never amount to anything in life , you sort of quickly develop that" i will prove you wrong attitude"...., well in my case it was!! but now so much has changed , i have changed , life 's lessons,hardships and heartbreaks have all tought me one thing, i.e to trust god more, put him first and try to not loose the me that he wants me to be kusasa.

Its hard being a gugu gaga chick but i have come to except that i will always be misunderstood by folks , my family and  my friends, and its okay. The hardest thing i am currently struggling with at this moment in time is "patience"  and trusting that all that i wish for (with a bit of hard work from my side) will come to be.Weired one said it best just do you , but truth is abit of guidence from a loved one goes a long way , how i miss my mom but trust that she is with me in spirit. It feels stupid or should i say i feel stupid sometimes to work so hard everyday and still not get anywhere, to be so strong minded on what i believe in, in  a world where fakeness and just being pretty is promoted , actually let me refrase that being STUPID & SEXY is the way to go!!, if  you voice out an opinion guess what your a feminist and your too smart , like Really ??

I was never raised to be a follower and to surcome to idiotic bullshit that our society is feeding young girls these days, fine I am far from where i wish to be but that doesnt mean i should moan all the time, complaine, rollover and die ,not have an opinion, sleep with the next loaded asshole who thinks the world revolves around him  because his loaded or just give up becuase its too hard and i feel like a joke half the time., It just means i still need to push harder and hold on to me and gods word. My grandfather used to say " iJozi ishintsha abantu" ( meaning iJozi changes people ) but he was half wrong , its not the environment that changes you its what you allow to change you as a person. Folks with fucked up attitudes were not born like that , they simply allowed there status and egos to rest in their minds and dont understand that what you have achieved , your status , your material things dont make you *you* , it all just forms half of you , at the end of the day UBUNTU bakho towards others will say alot about the kind of man or woman you are.

I am not perfect and probably not the easiest person to get along with , but i do know that i am a work in progress, and will do my part . I hope and trust that god will do his part and give me the strength that i need to not give up on myself and what i wish for in life. But right about now i need a chill pill .

McwAAAA!!

BACK TO THE CITY - 2012 IN NEWTOWN!!