Burn me to the ground

My wrath overshadows my humor, my mind lingers along the abnormality of darkness . The closer am to happiness  the more lost I feel , burn me to the ground I say, as my subconscious silent voice whispers its lies on me , tears invite themselves but like a stubborn spirit I hold on to my bulk of pain.

Burn me to the grown I say , as my sense of knowing seems to fade away with each experience I encounter , the façade  that is life is hard to grasp and make sense of sometimes, with high expectations suffocating my brain cells as if my life is a science experiment , it’s hard to be me and see myself objectively , burn me to the ground I say.

Living a dream and being in a dream are two different things, as sometimes I feel like the devil is playing catch with me and  god never stops with his tests , burn me to the ground I say  and leave my body to rot maybe my peace will finally join my human body that never seems to find what it seeks  . The bridge between fiction and reality has been wrecked, I cannot move backwards nor move forward either, as the backlog is way too much for my heart to handle, burn me to the ground I say  with my hands up high to the sky ,kneeling down as if some miracle will happen and take away this burden , facing the truth its harder than keeping up with a white lie.

Burn me to the ground  I say as my values are tested , the level of my intelligence being compromised , my joy dying , my sense of self being patronised , my capabilities over looked , the unfairness that comes with being humble , burn me  to the ground I say ,as my wrath grows with each low blow I have to endure .

They say some things you learn as you get older , I say confusion invites it’s self as one gets older and worries become your hypothetical  best friend ,burn me to the ground I say ,as life can be fun yet  bad spirits can prove otherwise or make you rethink  your entire values .

Burn me to the ground I say, as obstacles never go away , they just become easier to handle if you are ready to face them head on , burn me to the ground .  

 

Word

Brenda .

Hair

 

 The more I watch weird documentaries the more it dawns on me how similar at some level human beings are, yet so different when it comes to our thinking , I mean  for example which straight guy can say out loud that they believe in mermaids , still a promo on BET has an African guy saying out load that he believes in mermaids and  his actually making a movie/documentary about it , huh .. aint that a bitch ….

 

Mind limits can be seen as something negative or even fall under the classification of folks who just prefer things done their way and not try new things ,as they have psychological fears  which prevent them from moving past their own fears . The debate about African hair vs weaves is rooted so deep that most women believe that hair defines them and their natural hair is something that must just never be seen by their men/boyfriends .

 

I have rocked an afro as a kid, dreadlocks for 8 years , been bold ,rocked short hair, rocked gugu gaga weaves/braids when I felt like it, know why ?? because I wanted to !!, I never allowed hair to define who I am or how  another spirit sees me , as my personality/ Ubuntu bami should define who I am , not my hair or how I look ( but I know looks work faster than actually using your brain  these days and judgment is passed solely on how a person looks, as they say in the entertainment industry “branding is everything!! “ meaning you can even loose sight of who you are for the sake of “branding” ) .  The one thing I have experienced while I had  dreadlocks was folks assuming that I had weed all the time, guys falling in love with the fact that I have dreadlocks as appose to actually seeing me as I am fully , then had  my ex-boss at  one point asking me to make sure that I keep my locks clean so that I might appear sane ….( i.e not look like I am about to pop up weed! but eventually he got used to my hair at that time)

I have a few views on hair, the first one is the fact that women allow men to decide how they should look  and what looks hot on them and that’s bullshit!!!, I mean you will have a chubby/normal looking guy saying to a very beautiful woman that he thinks she would look much beautiful if she had long hair or had dreadlocks like Lauren Hill ( back in 1998) or she must never ever rock short hair , again I think that is bullshit period!!! .

Then you have the media/entertainment industry portraying these ideas on to girls that if you don’t rock an expensive weave then you are not attractive enough, then add on the “Conscious folks” who will say you are not African enough because you’re not rocking your own natural hair , I mean what are all these young and old women to think  other than have WTF moments and identity crisis , why do sooooo many folks/men have an opinion on hair???? Again WTF??

 

I personally think that black women ( as this issue really affects us most) should rock whatever style they think suites them  ( it’s bad enough we have to struggle with growth), just not be define by it or what your boyfriend/man thinks , as end of the day if someone is with you solely on the fact that you have the kind of hair they like and that’s it , girl running shoes on ( that’s all I am saying…)  , also we  live in a culture that wants to classify everything ,define everything , again pure bullshit!!. Women are hard on themselves and each other and until we sort that out , men will always have some control over our self esteem and funny thing about self esteem is “it’s a self thing” yet ends up being influenced by so many spirits who just want a dip in the cookie jar .

 

In my eyes I know I am so much more than my hair and if someone else fails to see it# then they can  F*** off period !!!

 

Love

B.

 

 Things I still believe in…..

So my plans to enjoy the holidays dint go so well, needless to say that shit happened and I am ok with that but at least I managed to finish my” Long walk to freedom” book , which was awesome !! (made me wanna high five umkhulu Mandela in spirit) , I made an attempt to paint , then I realized it was way too much admin for my hands ( don’t judge me …)

As we indulge our wishes and plans into the new year , I feel at ease as I promised myself that will stress less and be grateful for everything ( though its going  to be tough as I am constantly under pressure  but  I ll just be strong !! because I kinda love it sometimes) . Fast forward I am going to be the female version of “Ted Mosby “from the comedy series “ how I met your mother “  for a sec and say the  things that I still believe in even though we live in such a fake like society.

·         I still believe that karma always plays its part when the time is right

·         I still believe in the simplicity of love, showing kindness and being genuine with folks I truly value even if they might hurt me in return  

·          I know fear has a way of making one belittle their capabilities and has the power to cripple the mind if you allow it

·         I know how unfair life is but I also know that not giving up on one self feels way awesome than letting circumstances define you.

·         I still think spending time with self is important for the soul and eliminates any neediness and fear of just enjoying your own presence.

·         I still value the right to be speak my mind.

·         I still appreciate the innocence of toddlers as they literally make me smile with my heart.

·         I know nobody can make me happy but can only add to my happiness  

·         I know god is my everything

·         I know I am blessed with two good friends whom I will grow old with and still bitch with like it was yesterday.

·         I know I will never stop being weird and a little bit crazy (again don’t  judge me J..)

·         I still don’t believe in conformity, (personally I think it’s a bitch of a thing ….)

·         I know being humble goes a long way.

·         I know bad experiences have changed me and good ones have stayed with me.

·         I know my first love is hip-hop music and soul music is my best friend (figuratively speaking that is…)

·         I know I’d rather end up with a being who inspires me , than be with someone just for the sake of being with them .

·         I still think grief is worse than a heartbreak  

·         I still think pretence has an expiry date

·         I still think folks who have been hurt come off as cold and distant sometimes in actual fact they are just extremely sensitive and fragile.

·         I still think cooking naked is therapeutic , if your free spirited and own your body .

·         I know I will do more yoga this year  if I make time

·         I know I am still gona have lots of priceless moments in this life.

·         I still believe in my heart  that one day I will end  up in ROMEJ

 

Love

Brenda .

 

 

 

 

I took a glimpse into you …

I took a glimpse into you , as your eyes awoke the hairs on my skin, I took a glimpse into you, as you held my waist as  if you were telling a story , I felt  the warmth , the connection ,the love in your lips, as your punctilious when it comes to me ,you played with my hands as if they  reflected  your inner truth,  I took a glimpse into you .

I took a glimpse into you, as I awoke the dead in you, the silent boy that craved love but opted for less as he dint think he served better , I took a glimpse into you, as  you dug your inner feelings  with  creativity that’s mixed with demons eating the inside of your soul yet play pretence with god everyday  ,as along the way your faith got misplaced and replaced by the darkness of life’s disappointments ,heartbreak , the unfairness that came with the success deadline you gave yourself ,the unplanned surprises that made you reflect on the future and try to bury the past , yet the battle still replays itself . I took a glimpse into you.

 I took a glimpse into you , as I saw you and understood, I took a glimpse into you as you looked at me without saying a word ,yet my heart  translated your silence into words that left  me open to the idea of us building an empire of our own . I took a glimpse into you, as you saw me as I am ,with no false version of myself but a broken  spirit that’s picking up the pieces . I took a glimpse into you .

I took a glimpse into you , as the chemistry between us took over our natural stubbornness and left us speechless, I took a glimpse  into you ,as  you tried your best to shut the door that  scared  the shit out you with its unknown tales  , I took a glimpse into you , as the demons in you ,  your insecurities  and constant analytical nature closed the door in my face . I took a glimpse into your heart but little did I know that heart already had an owner who crushed it long before me .

I took a glimpse into my heart ,as I let go of something that never even began .

 

love

Switdifferent

Unplanned happenings

 

Tol Ass Mo aka “ Mongezi  Mahlangu “is some gugu gaga , weird ass , crazy SA comedian  from Jozi who just kills me as he has a sense of humour for days  ( and I am a sucker for funny & weird guys ), so this Friday put on my freaking dress on and headed  to Melrose Arch in Protea Hotel where Tol ass Mo had one of his shows . The show‘s thyme was “Truth be told “ and boy was the truth told  J.

 The gig itself was intimate, very classy setting, funny Mo’s attire was not that bad nor too colourful but rather cool looking, i.e  he dressed all black and dope black and white jacket . The show started a bit late ( …as Mo was running late !! black folks and time yerrr..) but once he got there it was all laughter , I loved the fact that his favourite Hip- hop jam currently is “HoT N***ga “ by Bobby Shmurd .. loveeeee that!!!! as its my JAM tooo  and the beats on that track toooo dopeJ , anyway the show began and right from the start Mo just killed it , I laughed so hard I was crying and beside myself nje .

I must say that there wasn’t a time where I felt he made a joke that wasn’t funny , I mean he was just on point about everything , from the way he grew up , his jokes being influenced by his gram  but the one thing  that killed me the most was when he started talking about “ black women’s hair “ , oooooh my word he literally had me crying and my stomach was just in too much pain from the laughter … “ truth be told “  Tol ass Mo told the truth .

At the same time as Tol ass Mo was performing and cracking everybody up , I was very impressed and inspired by him as a person as in between his jokes ,he would be  real and serious for a sec about his  thoughts on how we live our lives today , the pressures of trying to impress others instead of just being genuine and ourselves and living in accordance to what we can afford, also appreciating the connections we make with others as real folks are very seldom these days . The energy from the show was awesome for a lack of a better word  and apart from some gugu gaga celebrities who wanted to be noticed , I have one thing to say : “bitches please it wasn’t about you but Tol ass Mo’s night period “.

Honestly I get inspired by the most  weirdest things and seeing  Tol ass Mo perform was just one priceless experience I ll never forget , just as seeing  our young “Diddy” Cassper Nyovest perform in Newtown two weeks back  ( another gugu gaga moment for me ) .  

Unplanned things have a way of sticking and influencing us unexpectedly , as I was watching Mo perform my mind was literally stuck on one  thought that I have been struggling to shake off , but then again realised that you cannot control everything and sometimes its best to just let shit happen and let the heart have what it wants .

Thanks for an awesome show TolASS Mo, as they say ngesiNdebele  :”Siyathokoza Mfo”

Love

Brenda Mahlangu .

Gemini

I got rapped up  with a  Gemini , he had  personality dis -functions  , he was weird and freaky like a Taurus , yet lived in his dreamy world like a Pisces ,as I think sometimes it was hard for him to distinguish reality from dreamland . He had good aura and charm like an Aries  yet stubborn and controlling like a Leo , I got rapped up with a Gemini .

I got rapped up with a Gemini , who sometimes loved hard like a Capricorn yet would flip on me like a Sagittarius as he had battles with being true , he would  be attentive like a Cancer  then be cold and distant like a Virgo at times that messed me up, as I needed to be one with him . I got rapped up with a Gemini

I got rapped up with a Gemini who knew how to work my body like a Scorpio ,  melt my lips  and made me wanna believe in love like an Aquarius , he made me feel things that awoke my soul but then would loose interest  quickly like a Libra . I got rapped up with a Gemini.

I got rapped up with a Gemini, who was as intelligent as they come, could entertain any part of my brain, feed it with knowledge , enlighten me with regards to any culture , historical information I didn’t even care much for, at times I felt like he  craved being an intellectual too much and wanted to prove to everyone including me that he was smart and capable of anything , he had too many  hidden insecurities like a Leo but hid it well like a Virgo .  I got rapped up with a Gemini.

I got rapped up with a Gemini , but he was too self centered at times like a Taurus and too  manipulative like an Aries and pretentious like a Sagittarius , would make up stories and be sneaky like an Aquarius  and yet pretend to be true and honest like a Cancer . I could never really figure him out as he would change his mind constantly like a Pisces and sometimes be decisive like a Capricorn. The love dance I did with him was like playing soccer without the ball. I got rapped up with a Gemini.

I got rapped up with a Gemini  and realised that I am falling hard for someone who could care less about what happens in the present nor future, nor has the decency to speak frankly nor allow himself to feel any kind of emotion or attachment towards  anybody . I got rapped up with a Gemini, who broke me down and almost drained all the love I had inside. I got rapped up with a Gemini who mastered the art of acting like a true Gemini and could make a life changing decision like a fed up Taurus without any regret. I got rapped up with a Gemini who changed my life like pregnancy almost changes all women.  

 

I got rapped up with a Gemini.

 

Switdifferent .

 

It is what it is …..

Racial issues in this country are far beyond done and dusted, yes folks get very uneasy if you start talking about race and the unfairness that still lies in this country is still very big, pretence is always a diversion to the real truth, yes being ignorant it’s a bliss but being ignorant by choice is idiotic to me.  Africa as a whole is not free from anything if you look at it with Economic and Financial eyes , nor has the mentality of white private owned companies changed in South Africa , I for one am not a politician !!but I am not blind either as I am a tax payer in this country and an active citizen  that takes  interest in what is happening around my country , its corporate culture , social culture  and the overseas relations SA has built over the years .

Mandela once said that  “nobody is born with hatred  and just as a person can be taught to hate , same applies with love “, it’s just unfortunate that not all white folks feel like that in this country nor do they give a shit about black people but rather tolerate their presence just because of the laws that our ex –President   had laid down taking into account a  long term plan which included all South Africans who graduated from Varsity/or not  who  needed to be given an opportunity ,to have that chance  to contribute towards SA’s economy  , as that’s what all South Africans want , to be given a fair opportunity within whatever field that they studied  irregardless  of colour .  Unfortunately the real world paints a different picture.  

Work hard , be honest , do your best and don’t ever give up in what your heart desires ,  that’s what my grandfather  used to preach in our household  and that’s all good but what he  dint realise then (…or maybe he did , I don’t know…) which I now know  after I  had my own  fair share of unfair treatments  is the fact that “power and  money is not in black folks hands” !!  it will take a very long time before the powers are shifted and evened  out !!...I shall quote a rap line by J. Cole  i.e “ black folks never had money, coz we don’t know how to keep money…“ These are hard words to hear but  end of the day it’s the truth  .

The dream that uMandela had was  good and all but unfortunately we all have different upbringings, culture  , different religions , different life baggage which tends to influence the way we view others , life and ourselves , then  we have our history which forms the foundation of what our forefathers  had to go through for us to even be able to walk freely in this country ( I honestly do not give a fuck how young  or free we are, I personally think every child born in SA must know our history ,it must be flipin compulsory in our education system !!!)

Most of us born  in the 80’s apart from getting older and realising that time just flew by and to the born frees ( translation the one’s born in the 90’s ) , we  all have a very big battle to fight , not all of us will have Masters ,  doctorates or will ever invent shit , but education still forms power in its own sense and  besides that we have the challenge of having to be GREAT in everything  that we do , be it entertainment , academic , entrepreneurship , art .ect , as not being good at something today forfeits the purpose of building ones wealth  and progressing .

Racism is a continuous battle all over the world but in SA specifically its very naïve of our leaders to assume different  and it’s also embarrassing to see the same black leaders being in the self enrichment  business  and seeing black men and women being used in our so called rainbow nation corporate world that is just pretence and  bullshit . Tax terminology “PAYE “ which means  the more you earn ,the more you pay  SARS !! , but who earns more in this country , who are the folks  who own private golf clubs , who own properties and making millions from black tenants , who are the folks  who have offshores accounts , move monies between countries so as to avoid paying taxes ??? yo’ll know the answer to that ....

The hustle for black people and white people will never be the same in this country , doesn’t matter how privileged you are or feel , there will always be an incident where you are forced to “ apparently know your place “ , what do I say to that “big middle finger “

As young /adult black women and men of this country, we have a lot to prove to ourselves and achieve , hard as it may be to deal with the unfairness /hate that still lies low but exists  , one thing that is sweeter than getting even is succeeding , acquiring assets , investing and reading up on things that are interesting and enlightening , I think we all must strive towards that little by little since we know what our reality is .

Brenda .