The third quarter

 I was never  good at giving up on things no matter the obstacle or harsh realities  nor taking advise from people who allow fear to rule their lives, I always find a way of pushing forward , believing , trusting in the spirit guides that they will work in my favour & that’s always been my thing .

Being in the present & enjoying the fruits of my hard work has been the hardest thing to do, as  I always get sad & worried about this & that but this third quarter in my life has taught me a few good lessons & bad ones which I took in like a sucker punch to the stomach .

What I know for sure is that if you speak life into your life, the spirit guides will do as you wish and provide you with the confidence you need to withstand anything that will come your way. The beauty of trusting in your own vision is that no one can change that for you unless you allow them to tint & down grade that vision 

A man whom I don’t respect told me three weeks back that I am naïve , little did he know that his words  just like him MEAN nothing to me nor does he understand who I am . There is a lot of self power we hold in our selves yet most times fail to exercise that power, I exercised that power and what I realised was that if you stand tall, speak your truth most people will not like you so much but then again I never really cared much about being liked hence I only have a handful of close friends.

 

What I know for sure is that sometimes things that are shiny & pretty on the outside, they are not pretty on the inside nor insightful enough to make you a better person. I have learned that through my bad relationships with men, through my relationships with women I thought were my friends but actually were secretively wishing that I would fail & through a terrible work environment.

 

This third quarter of my life has been a spiritual journey that has brought me to my knees & closer to god in a way that I cannot explain  but can only acknowledge him as my best friend &  my everything . We all crave different things in this life but mostly we all just want to be loved, acknowledged & appreciated   

 

This third quarter has been the most slowest quarter race of my life but then again it’s my own race & I can run as slow as I want , stop for some water , do a bit of sightseeing , indulge in new cultures , chill a bit then continue with the race J.

What I know for sure is that self growth is important & being in a good environment with people you actually like is good for the soul.

 

Do you best & happy youth month!!!

Love

Brenda.

 

 

 

Sunday blues

 The best way to get over a depressing phase  is to exercise more , eat good food , have good company  and lots of music , well at least  that’s how I get out of my funk most times and it works for me .

Headed down town Jozi #Maboneng  for some food and just plain good all vibes with all the weirdos of Jozi .  The coolest thing about being in that kind of space is that just for a day work pressures and life’s gugu gaga headaches disappear , I don’t know  hey but there is something about art that just draws me in and I always find myself just being lost in it .

 My friend Stijnie joined me as we had some good conversation , drinks  and saw some hot  straight guys and gay guys  all in the name of having a chill moment, as sometimes we forget to stop , to be thankful and just be present & grateful for the little  things .  

 

Childlike moments are a bliss :-)

Burn me to the ground

My wrath overshadows my humor, my mind lingers along the abnormality of darkness . The closer am to happiness  the more lost I feel , burn me to the ground I say, as my subconscious silent voice whispers its lies on me , tears invite themselves but like a stubborn spirit I hold on to my bulk of pain.

Burn me to the grown I say , as my sense of knowing seems to fade away with each experience I encounter , the façade  that is life is hard to grasp and make sense of sometimes, with high expectations suffocating my brain cells as if my life is a science experiment , it’s hard to be me and see myself objectively , burn me to the ground I say.

Living a dream and being in a dream are two different things, as sometimes I feel like the devil is playing catch with me and  god never stops with his tests , burn me to the ground I say  and leave my body to rot maybe my peace will finally join my human body that never seems to find what it seeks  . The bridge between fiction and reality has been wrecked, I cannot move backwards nor move forward either, as the backlog is way too much for my heart to handle, burn me to the ground I say  with my hands up high to the sky ,kneeling down as if some miracle will happen and take away this burden , facing the truth its harder than keeping up with a white lie.

Burn me to the ground  I say as my values are tested , the level of my intelligence being compromised , my joy dying , my sense of self being patronised , my capabilities over looked , the unfairness that comes with being humble , burn me  to the ground I say ,as my wrath grows with each low blow I have to endure .

They say some things you learn as you get older , I say confusion invites it’s self as one gets older and worries become your hypothetical  best friend ,burn me to the ground I say ,as life can be fun yet  bad spirits can prove otherwise or make you rethink  your entire values .

Burn me to the ground I say, as obstacles never go away , they just become easier to handle if you are ready to face them head on , burn me to the ground .  

 

Word

Brenda .

Hair

 

 The more I watch weird documentaries the more it dawns on me how similar at some level human beings are, yet so different when it comes to our thinking , I mean  for example which straight guy can say out loud that they believe in mermaids , still a promo on BET has an African guy saying out load that he believes in mermaids and  his actually making a movie/documentary about it , huh .. aint that a bitch ….

 

Mind limits can be seen as something negative or even fall under the classification of folks who just prefer things done their way and not try new things ,as they have psychological fears  which prevent them from moving past their own fears . The debate about African hair vs weaves is rooted so deep that most women believe that hair defines them and their natural hair is something that must just never be seen by their men/boyfriends .

 

I have rocked an afro as a kid, dreadlocks for 8 years , been bold ,rocked short hair, rocked gugu gaga weaves/braids when I felt like it, know why ?? because I wanted to !!, I never allowed hair to define who I am or how  another spirit sees me , as my personality/ Ubuntu bami should define who I am , not my hair or how I look ( but I know looks work faster than actually using your brain  these days and judgment is passed solely on how a person looks, as they say in the entertainment industry “branding is everything!! “ meaning you can even loose sight of who you are for the sake of “branding” ) .  The one thing I have experienced while I had  dreadlocks was folks assuming that I had weed all the time, guys falling in love with the fact that I have dreadlocks as appose to actually seeing me as I am fully , then had  my ex-boss at  one point asking me to make sure that I keep my locks clean so that I might appear sane ….( i.e not look like I am about to pop up weed! but eventually he got used to my hair at that time)

I have a few views on hair, the first one is the fact that women allow men to decide how they should look  and what looks hot on them and that’s bullshit!!!, I mean you will have a chubby/normal looking guy saying to a very beautiful woman that he thinks she would look much beautiful if she had long hair or had dreadlocks like Lauren Hill ( back in 1998) or she must never ever rock short hair , again I think that is bullshit period!!! .

Then you have the media/entertainment industry portraying these ideas on to girls that if you don’t rock an expensive weave then you are not attractive enough, then add on the “Conscious folks” who will say you are not African enough because you’re not rocking your own natural hair , I mean what are all these young and old women to think  other than have WTF moments and identity crisis , why do sooooo many folks/men have an opinion on hair???? Again WTF??

 

I personally think that black women ( as this issue really affects us most) should rock whatever style they think suites them  ( it’s bad enough we have to struggle with growth), just not be define by it or what your boyfriend/man thinks , as end of the day if someone is with you solely on the fact that you have the kind of hair they like and that’s it , girl running shoes on ( that’s all I am saying…)  , also we  live in a culture that wants to classify everything ,define everything , again pure bullshit!!. Women are hard on themselves and each other and until we sort that out , men will always have some control over our self esteem and funny thing about self esteem is “it’s a self thing” yet ends up being influenced by so many spirits who just want a dip in the cookie jar .

 

In my eyes I know I am so much more than my hair and if someone else fails to see it# then they can  F*** off period !!!

 

Love

B.

 

 Things I still believe in…..

So my plans to enjoy the holidays dint go so well, needless to say that shit happened and I am ok with that but at least I managed to finish my” Long walk to freedom” book , which was awesome !! (made me wanna high five umkhulu Mandela in spirit) , I made an attempt to paint , then I realized it was way too much admin for my hands ( don’t judge me …)

As we indulge our wishes and plans into the new year , I feel at ease as I promised myself that will stress less and be grateful for everything ( though its going  to be tough as I am constantly under pressure  but  I ll just be strong !! because I kinda love it sometimes) . Fast forward I am going to be the female version of “Ted Mosby “from the comedy series “ how I met your mother “  for a sec and say the  things that I still believe in even though we live in such a fake like society.

·         I still believe that karma always plays its part when the time is right

·         I still believe in the simplicity of love, showing kindness and being genuine with folks I truly value even if they might hurt me in return  

·          I know fear has a way of making one belittle their capabilities and has the power to cripple the mind if you allow it

·         I know how unfair life is but I also know that not giving up on one self feels way awesome than letting circumstances define you.

·         I still think spending time with self is important for the soul and eliminates any neediness and fear of just enjoying your own presence.

·         I still value the right to be speak my mind.

·         I still appreciate the innocence of toddlers as they literally make me smile with my heart.

·         I know nobody can make me happy but can only add to my happiness  

·         I know god is my everything

·         I know I am blessed with two good friends whom I will grow old with and still bitch with like it was yesterday.

·         I know I will never stop being weird and a little bit crazy (again don’t  judge me J..)

·         I still don’t believe in conformity, (personally I think it’s a bitch of a thing ….)

·         I know being humble goes a long way.

·         I know bad experiences have changed me and good ones have stayed with me.

·         I know my first love is hip-hop music and soul music is my best friend (figuratively speaking that is…)

·         I know I’d rather end up with a being who inspires me , than be with someone just for the sake of being with them .

·         I still think grief is worse than a heartbreak  

·         I still think pretence has an expiry date

·         I still think folks who have been hurt come off as cold and distant sometimes in actual fact they are just extremely sensitive and fragile.

·         I still think cooking naked is therapeutic , if your free spirited and own your body .

·         I know I will do more yoga this year  if I make time

·         I know I am still gona have lots of priceless moments in this life.

·         I still believe in my heart  that one day I will end  up in ROMEJ

 

Love

Brenda .

 

 

 

 

I took a glimpse into you …

I took a glimpse into you , as your eyes awoke the hairs on my skin, I took a glimpse into you, as you held my waist as  if you were telling a story , I felt  the warmth , the connection ,the love in your lips, as your punctilious when it comes to me ,you played with my hands as if they  reflected  your inner truth,  I took a glimpse into you .

I took a glimpse into you, as I awoke the dead in you, the silent boy that craved love but opted for less as he dint think he served better , I took a glimpse into you, as  you dug your inner feelings  with  creativity that’s mixed with demons eating the inside of your soul yet play pretence with god everyday  ,as along the way your faith got misplaced and replaced by the darkness of life’s disappointments ,heartbreak , the unfairness that came with the success deadline you gave yourself ,the unplanned surprises that made you reflect on the future and try to bury the past , yet the battle still replays itself . I took a glimpse into you.

 I took a glimpse into you , as I saw you and understood, I took a glimpse into you as you looked at me without saying a word ,yet my heart  translated your silence into words that left  me open to the idea of us building an empire of our own . I took a glimpse into you, as you saw me as I am ,with no false version of myself but a broken  spirit that’s picking up the pieces . I took a glimpse into you .

I took a glimpse into you , as the chemistry between us took over our natural stubbornness and left us speechless, I took a glimpse  into you ,as  you tried your best to shut the door that  scared  the shit out you with its unknown tales  , I took a glimpse into you , as the demons in you ,  your insecurities  and constant analytical nature closed the door in my face . I took a glimpse into your heart but little did I know that heart already had an owner who crushed it long before me .

I took a glimpse into my heart ,as I let go of something that never even began .

 

love

Switdifferent

Unplanned happenings

 

Tol Ass Mo aka “ Mongezi  Mahlangu “is some gugu gaga , weird ass , crazy SA comedian  from Jozi who just kills me as he has a sense of humour for days  ( and I am a sucker for funny & weird guys ), so this Friday put on my freaking dress on and headed  to Melrose Arch in Protea Hotel where Tol ass Mo had one of his shows . The show‘s thyme was “Truth be told “ and boy was the truth told  J.

 The gig itself was intimate, very classy setting, funny Mo’s attire was not that bad nor too colourful but rather cool looking, i.e  he dressed all black and dope black and white jacket . The show started a bit late ( …as Mo was running late !! black folks and time yerrr..) but once he got there it was all laughter , I loved the fact that his favourite Hip- hop jam currently is “HoT N***ga “ by Bobby Shmurd .. loveeeee that!!!! as its my JAM tooo  and the beats on that track toooo dopeJ , anyway the show began and right from the start Mo just killed it , I laughed so hard I was crying and beside myself nje .

I must say that there wasn’t a time where I felt he made a joke that wasn’t funny , I mean he was just on point about everything , from the way he grew up , his jokes being influenced by his gram  but the one thing  that killed me the most was when he started talking about “ black women’s hair “ , oooooh my word he literally had me crying and my stomach was just in too much pain from the laughter … “ truth be told “  Tol ass Mo told the truth .

At the same time as Tol ass Mo was performing and cracking everybody up , I was very impressed and inspired by him as a person as in between his jokes ,he would be  real and serious for a sec about his  thoughts on how we live our lives today , the pressures of trying to impress others instead of just being genuine and ourselves and living in accordance to what we can afford, also appreciating the connections we make with others as real folks are very seldom these days . The energy from the show was awesome for a lack of a better word  and apart from some gugu gaga celebrities who wanted to be noticed , I have one thing to say : “bitches please it wasn’t about you but Tol ass Mo’s night period “.

Honestly I get inspired by the most  weirdest things and seeing  Tol ass Mo perform was just one priceless experience I ll never forget , just as seeing  our young “Diddy” Cassper Nyovest perform in Newtown two weeks back  ( another gugu gaga moment for me ) .  

Unplanned things have a way of sticking and influencing us unexpectedly , as I was watching Mo perform my mind was literally stuck on one  thought that I have been struggling to shake off , but then again realised that you cannot control everything and sometimes its best to just let shit happen and let the heart have what it wants .

Thanks for an awesome show TolASS Mo, as they say ngesiNdebele  :”Siyathokoza Mfo”

Love

Brenda Mahlangu .