I took a glimpse into you …

I took a glimpse into you , as your eyes awoke the hairs on my skin, I took a glimpse into you, as you held my waist as  if you were telling a story , I felt  the warmth , the connection ,the love in your lips, as your punctilious when it comes to me ,you played with my hands as if they  reflected  your inner truth,  I took a glimpse into you .

I took a glimpse into you, as I awoke the dead in you, the silent boy that craved love but opted for less as he dint think he served better , I took a glimpse into you, as  you dug your inner feelings  with  creativity that’s mixed with demons eating the inside of your soul yet play pretence with god everyday  ,as along the way your faith got misplaced and replaced by the darkness of life’s disappointments ,heartbreak , the unfairness that came with the success deadline you gave yourself ,the unplanned surprises that made you reflect on the future and try to bury the past , yet the battle still replays itself . I took a glimpse into you.

 I took a glimpse into you , as I saw you and understood, I took a glimpse into you as you looked at me without saying a word ,yet my heart  translated your silence into words that left  me open to the idea of us building an empire of our own . I took a glimpse into you, as you saw me as I am ,with no false version of myself but a broken  spirit that’s picking up the pieces . I took a glimpse into you .

I took a glimpse into you , as the chemistry between us took over our natural stubbornness and left us speechless, I took a glimpse  into you ,as  you tried your best to shut the door that  scared  the shit out you with its unknown tales  , I took a glimpse into you , as the demons in you ,  your insecurities  and constant analytical nature closed the door in my face . I took a glimpse into your heart but little did I know that heart already had an owner who crushed it long before me .

I took a glimpse into my heart ,as I let go of something that never even began .

 

love

Switdifferent

Unplanned happenings

 

Tol Ass Mo aka “ Mongezi  Mahlangu “is some gugu gaga , weird ass , crazy SA comedian  from Jozi who just kills me as he has a sense of humour for days  ( and I am a sucker for funny & weird guys ), so this Friday put on my freaking dress on and headed  to Melrose Arch in Protea Hotel where Tol ass Mo had one of his shows . The show‘s thyme was “Truth be told “ and boy was the truth told  J.

 The gig itself was intimate, very classy setting, funny Mo’s attire was not that bad nor too colourful but rather cool looking, i.e  he dressed all black and dope black and white jacket . The show started a bit late ( …as Mo was running late !! black folks and time yerrr..) but once he got there it was all laughter , I loved the fact that his favourite Hip- hop jam currently is “HoT N***ga “ by Bobby Shmurd .. loveeeee that!!!! as its my JAM tooo  and the beats on that track toooo dopeJ , anyway the show began and right from the start Mo just killed it , I laughed so hard I was crying and beside myself nje .

I must say that there wasn’t a time where I felt he made a joke that wasn’t funny , I mean he was just on point about everything , from the way he grew up , his jokes being influenced by his gram  but the one thing  that killed me the most was when he started talking about “ black women’s hair “ , oooooh my word he literally had me crying and my stomach was just in too much pain from the laughter … “ truth be told “  Tol ass Mo told the truth .

At the same time as Tol ass Mo was performing and cracking everybody up , I was very impressed and inspired by him as a person as in between his jokes ,he would be  real and serious for a sec about his  thoughts on how we live our lives today , the pressures of trying to impress others instead of just being genuine and ourselves and living in accordance to what we can afford, also appreciating the connections we make with others as real folks are very seldom these days . The energy from the show was awesome for a lack of a better word  and apart from some gugu gaga celebrities who wanted to be noticed , I have one thing to say : “bitches please it wasn’t about you but Tol ass Mo’s night period “.

Honestly I get inspired by the most  weirdest things and seeing  Tol ass Mo perform was just one priceless experience I ll never forget , just as seeing  our young “Diddy” Cassper Nyovest perform in Newtown two weeks back  ( another gugu gaga moment for me ) .  

Unplanned things have a way of sticking and influencing us unexpectedly , as I was watching Mo perform my mind was literally stuck on one  thought that I have been struggling to shake off , but then again realised that you cannot control everything and sometimes its best to just let shit happen and let the heart have what it wants .

Thanks for an awesome show TolASS Mo, as they say ngesiNdebele  :”Siyathokoza Mfo”

Love

Brenda Mahlangu .

Gemini

I got rapped up  with a  Gemini , he had  personality dis -functions  , he was weird and freaky like a Taurus , yet lived in his dreamy world like a Pisces ,as I think sometimes it was hard for him to distinguish reality from dreamland . He had good aura and charm like an Aries  yet stubborn and controlling like a Leo , I got rapped up with a Gemini .

I got rapped up with a Gemini , who sometimes loved hard like a Capricorn yet would flip on me like a Sagittarius as he had battles with being true , he would  be attentive like a Cancer  then be cold and distant like a Virgo at times that messed me up, as I needed to be one with him . I got rapped up with a Gemini

I got rapped up with a Gemini who knew how to work my body like a Scorpio ,  melt my lips  and made me wanna believe in love like an Aquarius , he made me feel things that awoke my soul but then would loose interest  quickly like a Libra . I got rapped up with a Gemini.

I got rapped up with a Gemini, who was as intelligent as they come, could entertain any part of my brain, feed it with knowledge , enlighten me with regards to any culture , historical information I didn’t even care much for, at times I felt like he  craved being an intellectual too much and wanted to prove to everyone including me that he was smart and capable of anything , he had too many  hidden insecurities like a Leo but hid it well like a Virgo .  I got rapped up with a Gemini.

I got rapped up with a Gemini , but he was too self centered at times like a Taurus and too  manipulative like an Aries and pretentious like a Sagittarius , would make up stories and be sneaky like an Aquarius  and yet pretend to be true and honest like a Cancer . I could never really figure him out as he would change his mind constantly like a Pisces and sometimes be decisive like a Capricorn. The love dance I did with him was like playing soccer without the ball. I got rapped up with a Gemini.

I got rapped up with a Gemini  and realised that I am falling hard for someone who could care less about what happens in the present nor future, nor has the decency to speak frankly nor allow himself to feel any kind of emotion or attachment towards  anybody . I got rapped up with a Gemini, who broke me down and almost drained all the love I had inside. I got rapped up with a Gemini who mastered the art of acting like a true Gemini and could make a life changing decision like a fed up Taurus without any regret. I got rapped up with a Gemini who changed my life like pregnancy almost changes all women.  

 

I got rapped up with a Gemini.

 

Switdifferent .

 

It is what it is …..

Racial issues in this country are far beyond done and dusted, yes folks get very uneasy if you start talking about race and the unfairness that still lies in this country is still very big, pretence is always a diversion to the real truth, yes being ignorant it’s a bliss but being ignorant by choice is idiotic to me.  Africa as a whole is not free from anything if you look at it with Economic and Financial eyes , nor has the mentality of white private owned companies changed in South Africa , I for one am not a politician !!but I am not blind either as I am a tax payer in this country and an active citizen  that takes  interest in what is happening around my country , its corporate culture , social culture  and the overseas relations SA has built over the years .

Mandela once said that  “nobody is born with hatred  and just as a person can be taught to hate , same applies with love “, it’s just unfortunate that not all white folks feel like that in this country nor do they give a shit about black people but rather tolerate their presence just because of the laws that our ex –President   had laid down taking into account a  long term plan which included all South Africans who graduated from Varsity/or not  who  needed to be given an opportunity ,to have that chance  to contribute towards SA’s economy  , as that’s what all South Africans want , to be given a fair opportunity within whatever field that they studied  irregardless  of colour .  Unfortunately the real world paints a different picture.  

Work hard , be honest , do your best and don’t ever give up in what your heart desires ,  that’s what my grandfather  used to preach in our household  and that’s all good but what he  dint realise then (…or maybe he did , I don’t know…) which I now know  after I  had my own  fair share of unfair treatments  is the fact that “power and  money is not in black folks hands” !!  it will take a very long time before the powers are shifted and evened  out !!...I shall quote a rap line by J. Cole  i.e “ black folks never had money, coz we don’t know how to keep money…“ These are hard words to hear but  end of the day it’s the truth  .

The dream that uMandela had was  good and all but unfortunately we all have different upbringings, culture  , different religions , different life baggage which tends to influence the way we view others , life and ourselves , then  we have our history which forms the foundation of what our forefathers  had to go through for us to even be able to walk freely in this country ( I honestly do not give a fuck how young  or free we are, I personally think every child born in SA must know our history ,it must be flipin compulsory in our education system !!!)

Most of us born  in the 80’s apart from getting older and realising that time just flew by and to the born frees ( translation the one’s born in the 90’s ) , we  all have a very big battle to fight , not all of us will have Masters ,  doctorates or will ever invent shit , but education still forms power in its own sense and  besides that we have the challenge of having to be GREAT in everything  that we do , be it entertainment , academic , entrepreneurship , art .ect , as not being good at something today forfeits the purpose of building ones wealth  and progressing .

Racism is a continuous battle all over the world but in SA specifically its very naïve of our leaders to assume different  and it’s also embarrassing to see the same black leaders being in the self enrichment  business  and seeing black men and women being used in our so called rainbow nation corporate world that is just pretence and  bullshit . Tax terminology “PAYE “ which means  the more you earn ,the more you pay  SARS !! , but who earns more in this country , who are the folks  who own private golf clubs , who own properties and making millions from black tenants , who are the folks  who have offshores accounts , move monies between countries so as to avoid paying taxes ??? yo’ll know the answer to that ....

The hustle for black people and white people will never be the same in this country , doesn’t matter how privileged you are or feel , there will always be an incident where you are forced to “ apparently know your place “ , what do I say to that “big middle finger “

As young /adult black women and men of this country, we have a lot to prove to ourselves and achieve , hard as it may be to deal with the unfairness /hate that still lies low but exists  , one thing that is sweeter than getting even is succeeding , acquiring assets , investing and reading up on things that are interesting and enlightening , I think we all must strive towards that little by little since we know what our reality is .

Brenda .

 

 

 

Outcast

The word outcast as defined in the dictionary “a person who has been rejected or ostracized by their society or social group” . The stages of our lives differ but sometimes the teachings are the same even when some of us take longer to get the lesson but it eventually sinks in.

 I have been an outcast all my life ,experienced  it in such hard circumstances it almost buried me under my own soul and at some point in my life I hated myself and being alive . The impact it had on my attitude was terrible as I became seriously distant ,guarded , very selective with whom I befriended  and trusted, the fact that I had the worst experiences when it came to relationships dint help either, my walls were up so high I don’t think anybody could reach …them ( well maybe Chris Brown J…, don’t judge!! I relate to the boy….)

The motion and the heavy burden that comes with being and feeling like an outcast can be too damaging on one’s mentality, which may lead to depression but of cause in black societies nobody ever acknowledges depression, even friends assume you will get over it , I know for a fact that some things you cannot get over them and time really doesn’t do shit  ( sorry God!!). We all have things that lay heavy on our hearts and mind but get up every morning and get on with it anyway, as for me I taught myself at a very young age to not let my emotions affect my judgment and I still do that even now…(well  the jury is still out on that ...) .  

 My constant battle with feeling like an outcast continued throughout my teens till now, I was never the pretty chick , always had to work harder, through all that I dint give shit about what people think ( oook maybe I still don’t give a shit )  and though I felt like an outcast I also felt like there is something  bigger than me that’s driving me, see  we fear our feelings and emotions so much these days that we always want to embody the positive persona and act as if we have everything under control but I realised that sometimes I am just a hot mess and that’s ok.  

 This past weekend I had the pleasure of spending time with my grams, we never had the best of relationships but we have a relationship so that’s that, she is literally crazy funny and very opinionated about everything!!!!! even when she is seriously sick, for the very first time in our lives,  I think I saw my grandmother  in a different light and she saw through  me with  lots of love that I felt and in that moment I realised that it was never about what anybody did or what they dint do  or how I wish my childhood was different, I just naturally hated belonging anywhere and I know that is a weird thing to say but it’s the truth . I felt like an outcast because I knew back then I dint belong nor did I want to be chained to any culture or laws and expectations , I just had a very rebellious persona that only a few people understood .   

 

Someone once said:” a man who doesn’t own up to his responsibilities, hides his feelings and emotions with the cloud of coldness and pretence is a very dangerous man and cannot be trusted”, well I say its always best to own your truth and to be proud of who you are and learn to love the kind of person your becoming.  

 I am an outcast .  

 

Love

Brenda   

 

 

 

 

 

They say …..

 They say the devil is a lair, I say being too imaginative can be a curse on its own , I daze through the past as if it’s the present as cutting the cord feels like I am stubbing myself through thick skin that cannot feel nor endure anymore. They say the devil is a liar , I say darkness can kill your spirit ,bruise you to the core, kill your ability to inhale  and appreciate  simple beauty .

 They say the devil is a liar , I say it cannot be worse than having burning thoughts and blinded fears , craving sleep , mind going wild as if you just had a blackout and cannot recall a thing yet feel the pain so deep that the stomach reminds you that fulfilment is more than consuming food . They say the devil is a liar, I say being a loner is suffocating, as it enlarges the empty need of wanting to be needed, the itchy feeling that’s unsettling, the sores that grow internally without any warning .

 They say devil is a liar, I say the mind can be misleading with dreams that never existed, fault assumptions that will leave you feeling like you are playing mind games with a ghost. They say the devil is a liar, I say the end and the beginning can have contradicting out comes, logic and emotions can never find a solution, being rational and falling in love will never be in the same cooking mixture. They say the devil is a liar, I say you cannot control what the heart decides ,you can be as stubborn as  you like, kick and fight but when you’re done , the heart will always crave what it needs.  

 They say the devil is liar, I say human beings prefer being lied to  most times as somehow knowing certain things overshadows our ability to think straight , objectivity seems far off and hard to reach when overwhelmed. They say the devil is a liar , I say what you cannot change doesn’t deserve a moment of your time nor energy , as the spirit guides do things for a reason . They say the devil is a liar , I say we all receive what we deserve when the time is right .

They say the devil is a liar, I say the devil aint shit!!.

 

Word

Switdifferent

 

 

To my GJ

 Soooo 2014 started and I had to digest the whole travelling to Pretoria thing, which was awkward at the beginning but turned out to be great in a way , as somehow I had to face a few unsettling demons , mend friendships and start new ones .

The worst was actually realising that I can be  heartless/rude when pushed  or rubbed the wrong way and that I can be seriously vulnerable ( which I hate as that to me it’s a moment of weakness which some assholes must never see, but this is not about that ..  so moving on  ) . In the mist of all this I also had a moment of sadness and a sense of loss  ( more like a big whole in my heart), as I always make it a point to reflect on my life and see if there is any progress or I am just circling around  the same place , I get bored quickly and loose interest very fast , so to keep myself awake an interested I figured I dig deep and challenge myself to bigger conquests  and see if God will help me through .

I always say that god has a weird sense of humour and that is not a joke !!, like literally , I would high five him every day for the way he has carried me through life , through hardships , through rejection , through breakthroughs  and heartbreaks, to me there is no better friendship I would rather have ,  yes I am a hip hop head , I curse aloooooot  ( not well mannered )and can be gugu gaga most times  but that doesn’t mean I am not spiritual or religious .  

There are many connections we make in this life , some are forever, some we miss and some we  misread , some connections are just plain disconnections , some are just a spare of a moment thing , some  will remain forever priceless and plain hilarious . The fact is as a passionate being I made a lot of mistakes this year but luckily I always prefer the truth , hurtful and unbearable as it is , I always prefer the truth  and god made sure that I practiced what I preached ( like damit…flipin hell moment!!) . The best though was being welcomed in the de Sousa household , I will never forget that and it  was just priceless and it felt good to have a friend who got me when I needed help the most ( I will never forget that Mbali) and I must say I have two Portuguese brothers now which I love J.  

New chapter in my life which had me smiling and just lost for words but also leaving me very exhausted and still recovering , but I wouldn’t change anything and its true what they say that if you allow god into your heart he truly can make your dreams come true and be your mother , your father and your best friend . I hate the holidays but this year I am looking forward to cooking  for my grandmother while she is still alive, a few road trips with Simon and Mo , good laughs  with B and her new baby , finish reading a few books, decorating my home and having a few chilled hip hop sessions with crazy spirits and maybe jumping off something …will see J .

As I am listening  to Sam Smith ‘s album and writing this and trying not to cry as I have never felt such joy and sadness at the same damn time its ridiculous , I have to say that 2014 has been very weird , emotionally rocky , challenging , financially draining, full of blessings , eye  opening ( i.e excepting that I too can be very…… very wrong at times and that’s ok ) , fell in love and very quickly fell out of love,  had my ego smashed to the wall , but picked it up and kept moving , realised that I deserve much better and will keep working towards that , lastly I now know that he never left me , he was always there , through it  all.

 I love you GOD you might not be cool but you’re the best to me..( just to put it out there..)

Love

Brenda Mahlangu

 

 

 

Pretend.

Can we pretend
That everything is like yesterday
What if I just wanna feel you touching me?
Ain't nobody perfect
So if you take a while to make it worth it
I wanna pretend
Let's pretend that we 'bout to break up
To catch the feelings that I when we make up
Legs up, suicide, north side
We never count points when we courtside

Let's pretend I ain't your friend
So we can get it on again
Let's pretend we never met
A good excuse to play forget
Let's pretend you never lied
So I can give it up all night
Swallow my pride, and learn to forgive
When I'm looking for love I pretend
It's you
A love that never ends
I pretend it's you
That I'm in love with

If we pretend that I'm happy when I'm really not
Pretend that I give you everything I've got
Pretend that I'm there when I ain't there
Pretend that I care when I don't care
Once upon a time, I did
Now I admit that I was fucking with a kid
Now I pretend that everything's straight
When everything ex covered up like pain

Let's pretend it's my first time
So you can really blow my mind
Let's pretend we never met
A good excuse to play forget
Let's pretend you never lied
So I can give it up all night
Swallow my pride, and learn to forgive
When I'm looking for love I pretend
It's you
A love that never ends
I pretend it's you
That I'm in love with

 

Tinashe ( Awesome trackJ)

Individualism

I still recall how supportive my grandfather was to me as a child and teenager, needless to say that he always made me feel like I really can do whatever I want even with limited opportunities  . We were not poor nor rich  just had enough to get by,  boy do I miss his love and presence in my life as a woman now , as I think he believed in me more back then than I realised .  

 I went to the Joburg  Arts alive last week , complements of my  cuzzo Nathi  , who was gracious enough to invite me  as he knows I love these sort of events , anyway  AWESOME performances , AWESOME poetry ,  all in all it was an amazing event .  While at the event I had an epiphany  as Lebo Mashile was doing her thing on stage and dropped this line “ its hard being a woman with tits in Joburg “ and I couldn’t help but press a rewind button in my mind  and fast forward to now … and my future .

It is hard being an individual and a woman  anywhere  I think ,  the fact that no matter how much   you achieve as a woman , old folks still think that the highest level / success a  woman can attain is to get married  and have kids , I totally disagree with that notion which also made me think if I had a little sister or  god daughter what I would tell her would  be the direct opposite of what my grandmother and her sisters told my mom and her cousins .

Life really is an interesting journey , a journey that will test you , make you cry sooo hard , hate the thought of living , love sooo hard , loose love, learn and amaze yourself , fail sometimes and conquer when god sees fit .  All individuals go through this shit , some at an early age and some at a later stage …as  they say "there’s no guarantee in this life" , but back to the point that I wanted to make , that is young girls and women are fed wrong perceptions about life and their own capabilities ,  I will be  the first to admit that yes there  are certain things which I strongly believe that men should do and women shouldn’t ..e.g  ..changing a car tyre ( that’s a man’s  job  and I am totally fine with admitting that aloud, so moving on… ) ,  minus that  though a woman is unfairly judged if she points out that she does not want kids nor has  any intentions of getting married , instead she would like to explore life , push her career and  travel as  she sees  fit  and just be.. , if a man was  to say the very same thing , he would be envied by a lot of men  ( e.g  the same men who worship George Clooney  for his unstable love life and the traditionalists who want to have ten wives ...I could go on really  )

Times have changed but mentalities have not and I am  proud that I was raised by a strong  Ndebele man ,my grandfather Lucas Mavula Mahlangu , who empowered me to trust myself , believe in myself, do what I want ,never apologise for my life choices , not depend on any man for anything that I can do myself , fear god  and always remember to be grateful . My grandfather played the most important role any man can ever play in my life and I learned from him that self love you practice its not a moment thing that you just say but don’t do , it pains me to see  how all women are painted as gold diggers , who are after a comfortable life but don’t want to do shit , not all women are like that , I have been around strong women , women who handle shit  and handle crises like no  other man can.   

We all individuals with different capabilities but the point is we are all capable and strong enough to carry ourselves   through  life and achieve our life goals  (man or woman ) . The one thing that I have come to realise is that most men think all women  are naïve when it comes  to love , if they pull the I am in love with you card all will work itself out , "speaking for myself " comfort  and security (that I can provide for myself )come first , love  comes second as fact of the matter is love does not pay the bills  and that’s a fucken fact in my opinion!!!

I wish young  girls would stop being so dependent on the idea of  a perfect relationships and  a perfect marriage  as there is no such in this life , all things succeed based on how committed and hard working  the individuals  involved are period .

 I have learned that the more you choose to rely on yourself for things, the easier it is to let go of people who don’t shit for you anyway .

 

Love

Brenda

Food for ......

 

 

I think it’s safe to say that anybody who has watched the movie “Horrible bosses” would agree with me when I say that movie was  super  funny , super sarcastic , well written and all round awesome cast , why  am I saying this , at some point in our lives we all have been around spirits that just rub us  the wrong way  or  are morally not equivalent to our own morals nor life values , basically you just cannot stand them but are kind of  forced to acknowledge them at some level .

 

Human beings are very interesting if everybody actually took the time and studied themselves   they would realise that you learn more and more about yourself every day and sometimes through others. Thing is if you’re not fully content with where you are in life , chances are you will not be able to commit to anything because you haven’t figured out your  place in life nor met your own life plan .

 

Sometimes we tend to forget that shit happens while we busy planning and nothing in life is guaranteed nor lasts, you can get fired, your business can close up and a perfect marriage can turn out to be a horrible marriage, you can just die from a heart attack …ect ….,all these things can happen because spiritually speaking we are not in control and  tend to forget how the universe works .

 

At some point in our own lives we all crave to be connected to something  or someone ,make money, give back  or just be acknowledged for something ( my little theory is everybody wishes to be a celebrity even if they will not admit  it  J …)  . Life has no manual nor does losing a love one but I strongly believe that we  are all “work in progress” , I can pin point my flaws and they ‘ll probably be a lot , instead though I choose to work on them  and keep it moving .

 

I learned a priceless lesson this week that is sometimes an idea you might have about something or someone can just be that an idea and very far from the truth or reality  and  speaking as a woman I know we tend to get lost in our dreams , high expectations  and standards that sometimes get us nowhere or somewhere if the universe agrees .

 

I have come to appreciate the fact that I am not scared of making hard decisions even if I end up being the one hurt the worst, I also will not apologise nor feel guilty about my life nor the direction its taking and not to get all biblical but god’s grace has brought me this far and his presence in my life is beyond any wording I can think of right now.

 

You cannot blame anybody for the choices you make in your life nor can you isolate yourself from the world just because you are going through staff , ….just deal with this shit , the only way forward is to just deal with this shit ngenkani  and as my favourite poet would say “ when you know better , you do better “ .

 

Love

Brenda .     

I pulled my heart out of my chest

 

Bells in my head go off , my stomach feels peeved , dry as if starvation invaded it a month ago , I pulled my heart out of my chest as reality hit my mind more than I could handle  , I fell in love all over again , opened up a door  I thought was closed . I pulled my heart out of my chest as the waters of my being glowed inside me with  bliss and I felt like a tree shaped upside down , my insides burning before my spiritual eyes , I pulled my heart out of my chest ,as my emotions had a pity party.

 

I pulled my heart out of my chest , as I uncontrollably gave my heart away to  a spirit who gave his heart  and full being  to another spirit, I pulled my heart out of my chest as my efforts seemed pointless , my love  never  felt  strong enough to rebuild what has been broken , my sacred place ….the place I had in his heart had been tarnished and brutally smashed by the harsh realities of life , love and misleading words . I pulled my heart out of my chest as I watched the love of my life doubt his feelings for me.

 

I pulled my heart out of my chest  as yet again I am at war with time and past hurts I cannot wipe clean, the promises made never kept ,the feeling unworthy , the fear that breathes within one’s mentality, the misinterpretation of words that never seem to come out right, the emotional connection that distance only strengthens , I pulled my heart out of my chest  as I repeatedly replay  how different  things could have been  had  I knew you first , kissed you first, indulged first ,giggled with you first , planned with you first , I pulled my heart out of my chest as the pain overpowers my body  and I loose site of the present  .

 

I pulled my heart out of my chest, as I am searching for tears within my broken hope and wishful thinking, I knew , from the first time we met, I knew but shied away from the love connection ,damn how I was on some high…, I pulled my heart out of my chest  as I realise that being in love and showing love are two different things , that compromise is always the glue  and mistakes should be forgiven . I pulled my heart out of my chest as I lost sight of you.

 

I pulled my heart out of my chest ,as  it dawned on me that you cannot always have what you want  but sometimes it’s good to have what you need  even if it doesn’t  make any logical sense to the heart.

I pulled my heart out of my chest as I  realised that I was  just an experience to you.

I ll put  the pieces of my heart back together as I finally  got an answer to my childlike bittersweet fairy tale love story.

 

Word

Brenda.

 

 

 

 

 

Pretence is a killer

 I have always pride myself of being blunt and straight forward but I realised in the past few months that I had to hold back on my bluntness as not everybody can handle the truth well , instead they prefer to hide in pretence and in their delusional ideas of people or situations . Pretence is a killer as it allows you to be in denial  about the real situation that your faced with  and more lies build up because if the folks you love really knew the truth ,you know they will advise you differently but the need of wanting to be right sometimes is greater than the need to be truthful .

Pretence is a killer  and I  fail dismally when it comes to pretending , I would rather keep my distant from a spirit than act around them , I find it unnecessary and time consuming , actually just a waist of my time  to be honest . The change stages , finding new friends , letting go of the old , starting new relations , family  drama  or being excepted in a new family ,starting a home with someone or on your own , being promoted at work… ect…, all these things are stressful and have different effects ,they can either be good or just damn suffocating , it all depends on who you are and what you want in that particular stage.

I have had the pleasure of knowing one good spirit in the past two years and what I have learned from this old man ( .i.e directly and indirectly ) its priceless really and when the time came of having to say goodbye , I found myself all emotional and sad but appreciative of what I have learned from him , time spent and all the crazy funny, knowledgeable  moments we have shared . Pretence is a killer and change hurts a little bit sometimes, nobody ever says that as damnit if you cannot handle change it means your rigid and  that’s bullshit!! ….., we different and I know I have made some bad choices , choices which don’t go hand in hand with my believes all in the name of living in the moment , then finding myself in shit afterwards and having to take responsibility and keep it moving , my point is change is hard and it will not kill you to own that at some point in your life as appose to pretending that all is good and well .

The thing about pretence is that if you do it too often you ll be able to lie religiously and when your that far gone you will not know the difference anymore, at some stage we’ve all been lied to, I mean I ‘ve had folks lie to my face with a straight face ….( and  I learned to not believe what anybody says to me at face value because chances are they might be lying …. Jah that’s just me though… ) .

I say if you are able to dish out the truth with no sugar coding, also be able to receive the same when the tables are turned. Pretence is a killer and folks care way too much about being excepted and liked instead of being who they really are and  voice out what they prefer in life and expect  from their friends , loved ones and co- workers .

I have learned enough harsh lessons to know that it really doesn’t cost a damn thing to own who you are  and to always speak your truth without any pretence , then you will know the real folks who are supposed to be in your life .

 

Love

Switdifferent .

 

 

 

 

Priceless lessons   

 

The year began , honestly I had no plans of doing anything bigger or greater other than just make sure that I  travel more, try new things when I have time  and move forward with my personal plans , as always God likes to just interrupt when he feels like it ( which I have come to except and appreciate )

There’ this song called “all I want” by the Kodaline , the first time I heard this track my heart just went all soft on me and I found myself crying , I am not sure if it was the video or the words to the song , in short the song just conveys the message of true love , bear in mind that I heard the track sometime last year .

Fast forward this past Friday was supposed to go to some Art Gallery  in  Jo’burg but somehow that didn’t happen and I missed the whole thing, so  I ended up going to see a movie with a friend of mine . The movie was called  “the fault in our stars “ , ooh my word !!, like I am teary just thinking about that movie , anyway the Kodaline track is one of the soundtrack to the movie and  I was taken aback hearing the song again being played in this heart felt film I was watching.

The fault in our stars is a film based on a true story , in short you have these two teens who fall so deep in love with each other while in the mist of facing death ( cancer ) but somehow find it in their hearts to appreciate the little things and the limited time they have in this world . The story line is excellent in such a way that the two charactors do justice in portraying what  living with cancer is really like and what it can do to one spirit .

The most priceless thing I took away from watching this film was that we take our good health for granted   and constantly fail to love , acknowledge and appreciate the people who are in our lives. When good blesses us with love , for some strange reason we always find reasons as to why it will not work or cannot work , or how busy we are and just don’t need stress in our lives , when the truth of the matter is we are even more miserable in our busyness  of chasing money and status , thus something new feels so uncomfortable that it seems normal to push it away .

I maybe old fashion, which might be the reason why this film touched me so much , but there’s no greater achievement than experiencing true love  and I don’t mean the “what do you have ?? or what can you give me kinda love “, I am talking real love, genuine love  that fills you up , makes you want to be a better person and give more of yourself without expecting . The kind of love that only god can bring into your life and also take away when the time is fitting , the kind of love that forces you to forgive when your being wronged and learn to appreciate another being fully without wanting them to change who they are .

Priceless lesson learned was that, not all of us will experience true love as there are way to many distractions in this world, but if we choose not to be distracted, we all have that chance of experiencing it at some point .

Its been too long since I’ve watched a movie that had this effect on me , it just made me question my attitude towards  my life , relationships  and friendships . We all students in this life , all of us have something to offer , share , teach and all of us at some point we will die , so it’s a must to make our mark , it doesn’t matter how small it is , in gods eyes it will be seen and appreciated .

Love heals all things  and pain needs to be felt  .

 

Switdifferent .

 

 

I did the whole love dance by myself again A be...

Accounting, tax updates,art, poetry & lifestyle: I did the whole love dance by myself again


A be...: I did the whole love dance by myself again A beautiful surprise doesn’t even begin to portray where my mind was emotionally when god dec...

I did the whole love dance by myself again

A beautiful surprise doesn’t even begin to portray where my mind was emotionally when god decided to interrupt me with your presence, I could hear my thoughts pulling me in one direction that is the heartbeat I had lost in the mist of trying to catch myself. I did the whole love dance by myself again, saw my past fade in pure delight.

Strong willed, hard , broken, wounded, soft, kind and warm to the ideal that keeps two worlds existing in one body, I did the whole love dance by myself again when I covered my face away from you , wept as you held me close to your chest , the honestly , the sincerity my spirit felt exhuming  from within overwhelmed my guarded  side , I did the whole love dance by myself again  and forgot that I am battling demons that will not let me go .

Your too hard on yourself, words professed to me a million times but still cannot sink in as the young woman in me wants to be everything , a conqueror , a winner ,an achiever, not a failure  but the little girl in me still wants re-assurance, love  and appreciation.  I did the whole love dance by myself again as I pondered into my future and how it looked from a free past- hurt version point of view and what came to me was a sense of calmness I cannot word in a sentence .

I did the whole love dance with you today as I learned that sometimes I have to love you for who you are and not who I want you to be, remind myself that when I choose to surrender fully to love ,it does not make me less of a woman but more of a seed to both our hearts. I did the whole love dance with you today as we moved past pride, stubbornness, egos and opened ourselves to a world that we know nothing about but dare to venture in it together . I did the whole  love dance with you today as we held hands, chose to teach each other something new , something delicate , something that will heal us both and make us better.

I did the whole love dance  by myself again as I danced slowly to my own melody that comforts my over analytical self ,keeps me humble and hopeful . I did the whole love dance by myself again as I looked in the mirror and loved what was looking back at me.

 

 

I did the whole love dance  by myself today.

Word

Switdifferent